Off My Meds!!

I'm returning back to ADHD. Almost exactly a year ago, I was told I have liver damage. They didn't know what caused it (it's still unclear), and my doctors took me off Concerta immediately. One of the listed side effects is liver damage. From what I have read, it's very rare to happen after years of taking it, it's more likely to happen just after starting. Normally it settles down after being off Concerta for few months.

But away from my liver. So they took me off my stimulants. I was lucky and unlucky that at this time, I left my job. Lucky that I didn't need the stimulants for work, unlucky that well finding jobs that I can do without stimulants isn't really possible. I wouldn't have been able to continue my work without them anyway.
So since then, I have needed to manage all my symptoms. I have gotten new symptoms from all the stress from my liver condition being diagnosed. I can manage home life somewhat ok without my stimulants. My home is messy, things don't get done quickly and I often forget, well everything. But I have food, I do clean when I remember. I keep active since I know it keeps my symptoms away a bit. But trying to find a job is impossible. I cannot focus enough on writing applications. I forget what I'm supposed to write, and I remember all the good stuff, after I've posted my application. My applications are mess anyway. I am not good writing them on a good day, it's impossible on a bad day. Meaning without my medication. I know what I am good at, and what I am capable and I know for certain that I am not capable of London standard without my medication. I am good when I am on stimulants, but without them, my head is full of chaos. With the stress, I am drowning in it. And it's how it is. There is nothing I can do about it. I eat healthy, so I get energy throughout the day steadily. I exercise as much I can since it helps with stabilising my brain. I try everything to manage my stress and try to focus on other things. I do crocheting, which for me is best form of mindfulness. Learning new techniques helps to keep my mind occupied. But I don't have much control of anything anymore, least of all my own brain.

I did manage to get a part time job doing something I have done before, but I notice that I am not as good at it as I used to be. I miss stuff, I make mistakes and at the end of the day I am often quite frustrated with myself. But at least I get enough money to survive to the next day. Which is all I can hope at this point.

And the reason why I am not on medication at the moment is that my GP has requested medication review from mental health team and I am waiting to hear from them. I expect I will continue to wait another several months, before I hear anything from them. The waiting list is very long. I expect I will end up waiting for over a year to get an appointment, and I was referred during the summer. Hopefully I will have my appointment year from now! Until then, I just have to hope I manage to get enough money to get food and some extra so I can continue crocheting to keep sane!!

ADHD and Sleeping

I haven't written for a while. My muse hasn't given me any ideas until today. I had hard time falling asleep and even harder waking up. It's normal when I'm not taking my stimulants. I toss and turn during the night, because my brain won't shut off. It just wants to keep thinking stuff. Even though I'm tired, I just won't be able to fall asleep. And it doesn't help, that ADHD brain generally tends to work best during the evening and night. A lot of ADHD people tend to be night owls. The brain picks up speed during the day. Excercise helps. So nights can be hard. I put my mind into a calm place for me, and keep it there, but it's still very difficult to fall asleep. It's a bit easier if I've gone to the gym or otherwise I've exhausted myself physically. Also I don't sleep as deeply as with stimulants.

And the other thing, waking up. Remember me saying about the brain picking up speed couple of sentence ago? Yeah, it doesn't help the mornings! When I'm on stimulants, I can wake up pretty alert. Without them, I keep pressing snooze button as long as I can. I'm just too tired. Amount of sleep doesn't matter one bit. It's as difficult after 6 or 9 hours of sleep. It gets a bit easier after coffee or other caffenated drink. Without them, mornings can be almost impossible. I have a rule, that my mom is not allowed to talk to me before some form of stimulant, coffee or medication. Normally people understand to give me space before badgering me. My mom doesn't. That's why I've given her the rule not to talk to me in person or on phone before I've had my breakfast and I give the ok. I'm extrovert and happy and patient person normally, except when I'm not on my stimulants and before coffee. I need to wake up first properly! After my coffee, I'm myself again.

And off the topic information: I need to take breaks from stimulants every once in a while. I had a talk with my doctor and stimulants can raise cortisol-levels in some people. Me having so many other health issues, it's doing that with me. I have to take couple days off every month and two breaks a year, where I don't take them for week or more. Symptoms for me are: difficulty falling asleep and staying asleep and anxiety.

Time

Wow, I've been away for a while and I've gotten over 160 views in the meantime! My muse has been hiding from me and I haven't thought of anything special to say. Now I have something!

Time. People with ADHD often experience time differently than neurologically normal people. Sometimes we start to do something. Like on last Saturday, I started to sew a skirt! I started at three by cutting the cloth. I start sewing with my machine and next thing I know, it's 7pm and I'm starving. Where did all the time go? This is called hyperfocusing. Time ceases to exist. There is nothing but what we're focusing. Even our bodies own signals aren't enough to "wake us up." I was starving when I was finishing. I didn't notice anything until I was done. Hyperfocusing is one classic sign of ADHD. It's one of the few times, when we don't suffer from lack of attention. Or which I prefer to call, attention to the whole world. The world and everything in it doesn't exist to us.

I've also noticed that time runs differently depending if I'm on ADHD meds or nor. Before them, time ran quickly. One hour was like one minute. Time would disappear into the chaos of my mind. I might be late for anything because I lost track of time. It would be everyday for me. Time just disappeared. I guess when the brain is full of everything, rambling thoughts, sounds, images, it's hard to keep track of time.
Now, that I'm on stimulants, time has slowed down. I get more things done. Sometimes when I'm cleaning and I've done the living room, part of the kitchen and bathroom, I come to take a short rest, I notice, I've only cleaned for one hour. I have more time. It's like I'm in a time machine. This comes with a down side as well. There is too much time. If I'm upset or tired, waiting two hours until I can go to sleep, feels like forever. And then people tell me it gets better. I hate that saying. When does it get better? How many eternities do I have to wait? One day is like a week for me, so waiting few years? Yeah, that's not good.. Even waiting to the next day is really long time. Getting bored can be really easy being like this. However it has a good side too. It's very easy living in the moment. The moment is generally good. Right now, spring is starting, snow is melting, it's getting warmer and I get to wear skirts soon! Hopefully the one I just made. People are more open and happy with the sun coming out. I get to notice all these things!

Dealing with Emotional people

First I'm going to apologise for my quality of writing. I've got pretty bad cold and I'm very off right now.

Then to the point:
This is something that a lot of people don't get, is how to deal with someone, who is drowning in an emotion. There are few very important ground rules:

1. Never every blame the person in any way about the situation. Part of it might be their fault, or all of it, but pointing it out will make the person who feels like they are drowing already, feel  A LOT worse. They know they did wrong. They are beating themself up for it already, you don't need to do it for them. Do not even hint in this direction!

2. They have a right to their feelings. So respect them! They are allowed to feel them. Especially someone who is drowning, they have all the rights in the world to feel them. When the emotional feedback lessens, then you can suggest what to do next time or offer help or advice. But the person needs to be calm to accept them. If the person isn't, it will feel like the other "helper" isn't listening to them or is trying to tell that "I don't have the right to feel". Person drowning in emotion isn't too rational.

3. This is the most important thing in the whole depacle: LISTEN! You do not need to say anything, but listen. You can affirm the other person with "that sounds horrible" or whatever fits. It will make the emotional person feel like they are being believed and listened. These feelings are really important. Also saying stuff about your own life, it is taking a big risk. Sometimes it can help, but sometimes it can make the emotional person feel like the other person is trying to take over the conversation with their own problems. Like I said, not thinking rationally.

This is actually called active listening. Most important is to listen what the other person says, and taking it all in. Not just keywords, but the whole message. Someone who is very emotional, won't be able to think straight and will feel like being attacked, if the other isn't listening. It's one of the worst feelings, especially if it's someone close to you. It will feel like an attack. It will feel like the other is saying that you don't have the right to be upset or sad, etc. There is a moment for feelings, and moment to fix the problems, but it's not at the same time. The person needs to be calm to be able to think clearly and start fixing things. That person needs to have all their strenght, because fixing life is one of the most energy consuming things you can do.

Why am I writing this? Well two things, one is that this is what I do automatically, when someone is upset. It's propably part of the reason why people often come to me when highly emotional. Two: because of ADHD, my emotional control isn't same as someone with normal brain function. We have somewhat hightened emotional responses. Now I'm talking bit generally, but some with personal experience. One reason for our hightened emotional responses is that the part of the brain that control emotions (and controls everything like impulses, etc) is working at lower rate. So, emotions in ADHD are a bit wild. Our emotional state can change really rapidly and go from one extreme to the other in seconds. Two, a lot of us have been told that we're not good enough from early age, because we have problems focusing. People with normal brain function don't understand what it's like for us. Focusing is hard for us when the whole world and all the small parts of it are calling our name at any given second. Not all of us are diagnosed at early age. I was diagnosed pretty late. I felt like I wasn't good enough because I can't sit still for longer than an hour. Or I had trouble understanding physics because it has so many different parts that affect one another. Everyone else can, so I should too. I suffered from really low esteem when I was in school. I'm smart, but I'm horrible in school. Then I started to realise, that my brain doesn't take information the same way as other's do. I started to realise, it's not a bad thing. I just have to do things differently! Then I got diagnosis. But this is why people should be very careful about blaming us and accusing that we're not workng hard enough. I've had three burn outs in high school, because I was trying to keep up with others. We have to use more energy in focusing than neurologically normal people, so we give more. Then saying that it's not enough is a slap to the face. Very hard slap that will sting really long time.
Also someone with emotional control issues, one emotion can bring about dozen more. I'm like this. I make a small screw up, I sometimes don't get upset because of the small screw up, but over everything that is going on at the same time and possible the last six months. Depending on the situation and people around me. Life isn't merely a roller coaster with ups and downs, but when there are ups, there can be many thing wrong. Life is never simple!

I think that is enough message for one day.

Facebook and ADHD

I'm sure a lot of my friends have notices, I tend to post often, usually several times a day. I think this is part ADHD and part my psychology. I'll take the last bit first. For a long time, I felt like I have no voice, that no one listens to me. I've always felt a bit invisible, at home or in school. I've been ignored for so many years. So now that I have facebook, I want to be heard. Always when I post, one part of me hopes people will read it and at the same time notice me. I always feel so fantastic, when people like or comment. It means they noticed what I have to say. I really am a somebody.

The ADHD part is pretty simple. Part of having ADHD is poorer control on our emotions. If we have 10 different emotions a day, it's pretty boring day. So that also causes us to easily respond with emotions. And Facebook posts often have some form of emotional influence. I often post something when I'm happy, hyperactive or excited.

I've been in lots of ADHD support groups and I can say, that those are VERY active. I can't keep up with the posts. Even in a group where there are only handful of people, it's pretty common to get five posts per day and the talking in them is very active. And one post can easily have couple hundred comments. They usually start at the topic, go round the world couple of times and sometimes ends in the original topic. Our slogan "ADHD, highway to, hey look a squirrel!" is very accurate! We get distracted on a drop of a hat!

I'm doing bit of a squirrel thing now. I also want to change my facebook picture pretty often. I tend to curb that impulse, but I do update it every couple of months, or if I get a cool new pic. 

Another add. I always try to read the whole newsfeed. It's important to me to know what and how my friends are doing, but I also want them to know, I read them. There was someone who took the time to read your post and noticed it.

Perception vs Reality

I've gotten some comments in the past month. Three of those stuck to my head: I'm strong, calm and I've got stable and healthy mind. I've got to say that I don't own any of those things! But it's how people see me. People see me as strong, because I have to keep going no matter what. They don't see me crying in bed for hours because I just don't want to face the day. It hasn't happened often to me, maybe twice in the past two years. But I do have days like that. People just see me keeping my head high and pushing forward. They don't know that I don't have the option of being weak. I haven't had people to ask for help in my life. I've had to learn how to survive through shit on my own. I've started learning on how to lean on other people now, on how to ask for help. It's still not easy.

I've lived through too much. I haven't had easy childhood. Teenage was pure hell. On top of normal stuff, I was physically very sick and I had ADHD. I guess my tolerance for shit has gotten pretty high after all of that. I've had to survive all of it. Not just learn how to cope with it all, but survive and thrive. I've got a lot of scars. I have lots of problems still, I've got four phobias and several fears, including fear of abandonment. I'm terrified of being forgotten and replaced. It keeps happening in my life over and over again. I'm an awesome person. I'm warm, open hearted and minded, I care fully about others, I don't judge anyone, I'm really good friend, I'm one of the most loyal people in the world, I always look for the good and I'm pretty and intelligent. But I'm not loud and beautiful. I'm not remarkable at anything. I'm average. It's very easy to overlook me.

Few days ago my coworkers told they were surprised to learn I've got ADHD. They said I was too calm for that. They have some experience in ADHD. I think all of my coworkers have basic training on learning disabilities. People who know me a bit see how I'm really not. I tend to jump in my place when I've got to wait for something and should be still. I run around for no reason sometimes. I like walking instead when I could just call. Once at my work place, I ran the stairs up and down three times just because. My coworker was a bit taken aback by that.

Here is a song that's been stuck in my head for a while. It's beautiful, the lyrics, the melody and music video. I just wanted to share, if anyone is reading this. Snow Patrol - In the End

Some Observations

I've been taking bigger dose of Concerta again and boy am I feeling it! I've got opening night coming up next week and I am super nervous. I'm normally not this nervous, not even last year. It's normally this excited nerves, now it's just really anxious nerves. I am thinking Concerta and stress don't mix so well with me. I know for some (a lot?) people it helps with stress control, but apparently I'm not one of them. I don't know if this would settle, since it takes about two weeks for the body to get used to new doses and drugs, but I don't think I can take the risk. With lower dose, I don't function as well as I would with this, but this nervousness is killing me. I have to regulate my breathing everyday so I don't have a panic attack and concentrate of doing relaxing stuff like singing. Well not concentrate but do more of them and just them. And I eat more chocolate! I usually consume lots of chocolate, but with Concerta I don't crave it anymore. Well except now.

I've got to say I'm really excited about the play. It's not "normal" play, it's 7 small plays in one. Each one has different actors, directors and writers. They usually have some form of theme, like this year it's the mind. Each writer has done their own interpretation on the word and gone with it. Well, this year we had bit of an actor shortage. We had more plays and parts than usually, and we didn't have that many new people coming so one actor is in more than one role. I've got two. I'm lead in first play. Then I'm in another play as supporting role sort of. I find it bit funny that in this second role I've got more lines than in the one I'm lead role. I've got just couple of lines in that one, but I'm on stage almost every minute of it. Yesterday we had practise with all the plays and it was the first time I felt like I'm acting since starting rehearsals. We finally had some audience and it felt more real. Some might find this a bit weird, but I felt less anxious on stage. I actually felt really calm. This is what I'm supposed to do! Rehearsals have completely different energy. It's more fun in a way but there is something missing. But when you have an audience, it's home! I hope everyone will experience this once in their lives. It doesn't have to be acting, but that something which is their thing. It resonates in your soul.

State of Being

There is one state of being I really hate and that's being tired and bored! Being bored with ADHD is both really easy and difficult. We can come up with lots of stuff to do really quickly but sometimes it's a killer. Like right now. Bored is better to handle when you're not tired, because you can just think of something to do. But when tired, I can't do anything. Being tired makes ADHD bit worse. I loose the little concentration ability I normally have. So that means if I start watching it, I'm going to get very distracted in about 5 minutes. I'm bored again. Being bored would be OK if I had the energy to stay focused for a while. Now I'd sort of like to go out, but my body doesn't want to move from a very comfortable position in my computer chair (yes it's possible to be in a very comfortable position in these). And my body hurts from yesterday's practise. We had some on stage fight lessons. It was lots of fun but my back really hates me right now. It's screaming for a massage.

Being tired of stimulants isn't fun either. I can't take naps with them. My body just doesn't slow down. Although I've learnt a lesson here, don't take stimulants day after a new workout  routine.

This will be a short post because I can't concentrate on writing. I just want to sleep. But I can't..

Me and Weird Experiences with ADHD

I had to take off a week from ADHD meds. I was feeling a bit weird. I get like this when I have an infection and I thought I had something, but my blood test came normal. I did have slight cold but not bad enough for this kind of reaction. But it was an experience! I definitely noticed the difference. Doing normal stuff took so much more time than with meds. Preparing dinner was a nightmare! I would constantly forget things, go back and forth between kitchen, computer and forgetting the timer. Forgetting to put right things in right places at the right times. I don't think I used ANY seasoning on my food! I forgot half the ingredients in the store. Using lists never helped me since I kept forgetting to do the list, take the list with me or check it. The chaos in my life and head was a lot worse. I like a bit of chaos, but now with the meds I've grown used to less of it.

Another thing: I don't count any of my health issues as bad things or curses. I know many people feel even having one of these is horrible. Especially with ADHD. So many feel that it's a curse. I don't know if it's how I was raised or my own personality, but I don't think it as a bad thing, nor a good thing. It just is. It gives and takes like anything in life. Nothing is perfect but the attitude towards everything and anything is the thing that matters the most. There are days when I curse having diabetes or hypothyroidism or ADHD, but those are just bad days and they go away on their own. Then there will be a good days! I've had diabetes so long that I don't really actively think about it anymore. Most of the processes are automatic, like counting carbs and correcting for them, taking insulin, and staying consious on how I feel. I've had it so long I can recognise signs, ok now I*ve got high or low blood sugar. And I can have some fun with it. One of the funniest things for me is BS. It's short for blood sugar. I think getting diabetes at such young age really affected how I think about health malfunctions. My body hasn't worked like most people's since I was 8. So getting different diagnoses isn't too shocking for me. I get the initial shock yes, but after that it's just, ok I've got this, lets go back to normal life! I'm glad I'm like this. It makes my life so much easier! I do worry about some normal stuff, but I rarely get hang up on them. I refuse to let myself get that way. Life is very stressfull as it is, I don't need to create more stress. So much of that stress is created by the person. I can choose to let it go on, or think and worry about it. I'm not perfect in that aspect. There are certain things that I can't get over just like that, especially things that involve other people or waiting. I'm hopeless at waiting! And I always listen to people who have problems, but my patience runs out when they come to me about the same problem several times a week expecting me to fix it, when it's their thing. I'm their friend, I offer advice and any help I can give, but fixing big issues is their responsibility. Unfortunately there are people like this..

I got bit off track again! What attention problem?

The Doctor

Alright so my conclusion is that the eleventh Doctor has ADHD. And why do I think this? This might contain some spoilers for season 5. I'm writing either very specific, quotes, or very general, in a way it can be almost any episode. Well, does happen in almost every episode.

Reason one impulse control, or lack of it. I'm watching the Christmas Carol and seriously, a chimney! "Sorry, Christmas eve on a rooftop, saw a chimney and my whole brain went what the hell!" He always seem to be gathering stuff from around him as well. Remember the fez? Yeah he picked that up from a museum exhibit. There is a dalek on the loose trying to kill them and world is ending. He still has time to pick up a fez! And he's usually all 'do now, think later'. He comes with great plans and gets everyone out of trouble but with few hick ups along the way.

Concentration. He seems to loose the though sometimes, he does get it back but there is alot of wandering in the between. Off track comments "Now, this console is the key to saving that ship, or I'll eat my hat. If I had a hat. I'll eat someone's hat. Not someone who's using their hat. I don't want to shock a nun, or something. Sorry, rambling, because, because this isn't working!" or "Give me time and a crayon" No idea why a crayon.. Anyway. So what was I saying? Oh yeah he keeps jump around a bit in a room, can't stay still. He always sees something and goes over to it and plays a round a bit, in a sense oh what does this do. He has said he's easily bored. And he often gets stuck on new weird things when the world is ending around him. I sometimes wonder what would happen to him if he didn't have a companion shouting into his ear some sense.

Hyperactive. Yeah he can't sit still for a moment. Need I say more?

He sees things that other people sometimes miss and he looks at the world differently than others. This is something that happens often to people with ADHD. We can often look at simple, everyday things in new light because our perception works differently.

So my conclution is that ADHD people are pretty close to being Time Lord!
But seriously. Part of this can be explained by him being Time Lord. He literally sees the world differently. He can see time. He's lived about thousand years. He's got alot of stuff in his brain.

ADHD and seeing the world, or hearing it

I was told few weeks ago that I'm different person in a group situation than I am with three or less people. I hadn't thought about it before but I realised it's true. When I'm in a big group especially in a pub or other public venue, I am really quiet. I usually end up listening more than talking and I leave early. Here is part of the reason; when there are lots of people there is lots of stimuli. Several conversations, music on the background, other people walking about, noises of life. For someone who has ADHD it can be really difficult. It's like being in a dance club with everyone shoving you, loud music, flashing lights. Or in a room with dozens of tvs with sounds really loud. Or in a room full of people where people around you shout your name.
It's really difficult to focus on one conversation when words and topics from others are taking away my focus. I actually love dance clubs because I can focus better there. I can just let go and go with the music.
Anyway. Big social situations. Yeah I usually end up leaving early, because trying to focus on one thing and not everything can give a wicked headache. And even if I don't have a headache, I feel like my brain is malfunctioning. Well it is, but I can't really think anymore and it's overloading. It's bit better with medication though. But even those can't work miracles..

There is another reason why I don't talk in big situations. I have hard time getting word in. I can't talk on top of someone else, I just can't. I respect people too much to talk over them, especially when I can't get a word in. I don't want others to feel the same way. What they say matters! Smaller groups I can talk people's ear off. I can talk bit about everything. I still wish I could talk in a big group but I don't know if it's ever possible.

Weird Experience

I've got three exams in three weeks and I'm busy studing now especially with the play being over. I've been reading today and my goal is to read at least 50 pages. Now I've been reading about hour and a half and I've read 30 pages with notes! With no difficulties! I have only twice gotten sidetracked and had to get up twice to stretch. This is very weird!! Normally I can ready very little at a time, few pages, and go back a lot to reread something, I do alot of other stuff in between. I love Concerta! I can remember alot easier the stuff I've read and I can make pretty coherent notes as well. And I don't get confused as much, going between book and notes. I can even remember where I was reading when I do back to the book. I know alot of people think this normal but not me. To me studying is really hard. It takes about twice much work for me than someone neurologically normal. Reason why I am so behind on my studies... I'm actually starting to like studying. I've even managed to contact teacher my email about course work and not think about it for days: I should do this. I'm bit excited to see how this studying will pay off, will I get normal grades, will the exam be the same hell as usually or not. Bit worried about reading 5 books and alots of online material for these. Will my brain explode before this is over... The exam I*m reading right now is about racism and it is fascinating. I can't understand it so I'm drawn to it from the unknown perspective. It's shaped societies since who knows how long. I'm minoring in Sociology.

Senses

There is this thing called Sensory Processing Disorder. I guess it's most common with autism BUT IT DOES APPEAR WITH OTHER BRAIN RELATED ISSUES!! Such as AD(H)D, dyslexia or other learning disabilities. Everytime I meantion it, people start asking about autism. I know something about it but as far as I'm aware, I don't have it. All the test I've taken seem to say I don't have it, I don't have any problems with people. Well some but it's lack of experience in those situations. I am quick to read situations and people and to my knowledge accurately. Just because one group is more likely to have it, it doesn't mean other's won't.

But what is SPD. For me it's not being able to wear certain materials since they scratch or itch like hell. Seriously I think lace should be banned! and wool! I have oversensetive touch but I think only slightly anymore. It used to be alot worse.
Hearing? Yeah, I don't like sopranos or violin because of the pitch. The high notes hurt my ears. I don't like loud sounds. I get scared of sudden, not loud sounds pretty often. I hate my phone! All the sounds are so irritading. Anyway before I get sidetracked again.. Certain sounds literally hurt my ear. I loose concentration easily when there is a sound. Even music! I would like to say before someone gets offended that I think violin and soprano music is beautiful, it just hurts. I was once able to hear a leaking pipe and saved my parents some pretty big bills with that. It's not all bad. But it does mean, if there are multiple sound sources, I get easily confused. It's really difficult to concentrate on normal day let alone in a place where there are 20+ people plus music and other sounds.  I do like dance clubs though. Music calms it down a bit. Which is why I use mp3 player outside. It helps with hearing sensetivity. But I love music in general. I love the harmony if different instruments and patterns. Cello is the most beautiful sounding instrument in the whole wide world.

Three to go. So next smell. Yeah.. I'm one of those who start feeling really nauseaus really quickly with smells. It takes a while to get over. I don't mind well matched perfume on someone as long as it's approriate amount. Not half the bottle! I like to have some scents on my home. I've got some incence sticks and candles. If it's mild, it's not a problem. Some combinations feel horrible though. The point is that not everyone are at the extreme end of this. Some can't handle any scents and some can't smell at all, but most people are somewhere in between towards one end. I like certain smells alot. Lilacs. I can't imagine not being able to smell them like I do.

Sight.. Yeah that's one of my worsts.. I can't go out without sunglasses even if it's not sunny outside. Bright lights hurt my eyes and I get headaches from this. Nothing too bad but it'll be annoying me for the rest of the day. Even being in the dark doesn't help. It'll leave on it's own at some point. Have to say with my sun allergy and light sensetivity, I do feel like a half vampire sometimes. That's one of the positives from this particular trait. One is that I can see colours really well, tell the difference. It's good with photography and drawing. and notice differences.

Last one, taste. That's the worst one for me. I have to be really careful what I put in my mouth. Most normal tasting foods are too much for me. I can't imagine drinking coffee black. The ratio with coffee and milk is about half and half. I hate tasting new foods. I've gotten physically sick from strong tastes or feeling of food. There are certain types of food I can't stand. They make me nauseaus. Like mashed anything. Or blended foods. Soups I can eat but don't like to eat. I like solid food. Weirdly I do like citrus alot! I can't eat things like candy since they are too sweet for me but lemons I can. I could take a bite of lemon if I wanted to. And taking a bite of chocolate is as close to heaven as I can think of. Milk chocolate though. It's unhealhtier but it tastes so good!

There are three points to this post I wanted to make. What Sensory Processing Disorder is, how it affects me and that it's like life, it's got it's good and bad points.

side-effects

Ok lets try again!! I can't work the blogger with too much grace since I don't know how to undo the weird colour behind the text

So side-effects of Concerta. It doesn't work well with anxiety. I had to stop taking it for two days before the opening night of the play, since I was too nervous. Then started it again with hope I wouldn't get the starting side-effects. Which are panic attacks. They come out of nowhere and go away about as quickly as they come. I just had three panic attacks in one hour and then just stopped. Although green tea might have had something to do with it. I don't want caffeine with the drug since they have similar effects on the body. I was just standing in the queu for cashier's and it just started. I wasn't doing anything to trigger it and I was just listening to music on my mp3 player. ADHD kicking in again, I wrote mp5 player.. I wonder what that would be, you can't really play mp5... Anyway back to where I was. I knew what it was so I just waited for my turn and kept coughing. I don't know why but it's what I always do when I get panic attack. By the time I got all my stuff in my bag it was all over! well the first one was over.. When I got back home, I got two more. Then nothing. I feel a bit tired after all those but mentally ok. I know what causes them so they aren't that scary. It's a bit scary when they come out of nowhere. But knowing what they are helps! and remembering to breath and not get more anxious!
 Tomorrow will be complitely different thank goodness!! Only worry tomorrow is that I remember all my lines and don't lose my voice overnight. I can barely talk after yesterday. I have to yell in the play and with a cold... Good thing is that Concerta really helping with acting. I can focus more on being on the stage. It's easier to remember lines, where to be, how I am related to audience, what I'm doing, what to feel. On a normal day, it's really exhausting for me. Too much going on. And with all that trying to keep focused on the right things and not get distracted by others. AND we're doing comedy so the stuff other's do is HILARIOUS!! I have to keep poker face through the whole thing and it's so much easier with this!! I'm not saying it's a miracle worker but for right people it makes life more.. I don't want to say easier but more  manageable maybe? Life isn't easy but it doesn't need to be too difficult. If there are things to make it more manageable, I'm all for it!!

I'M ALIVE!!

Yeah, it's been a while. I was in a surgery about two months ago and I haven't been able to write. Well, I was able physically but not mentally. My ADHD got even worse with the recuperation. It was a big surgery and I still don't feel normal. I haven't felt well enough even to take my ADHD meds. And my concentration has gone from bad to worse. And of course this all happened at the same time as several entrance exams to universities and normal exams from my current major.. I have started to feel the "normal" hyperactivity. My muscles keep itching all the time. Not as bad as it used to be but getting there. I've gained weight without it. Usually I have to keep moving alot during the day to keep it away but now not so much. I've felt strong enough to start excercising for fun. After the surgery all my other health issues, like Diabetes t1 and hypothyroidism been strange as well. Now they have started to settle as well. But the weird thing was that I couldn't take Concerta. I would stay up all night if I did. And I took it at a normal time as before but it worked really weird. I didn't understand it at first but after the second sleepless night, I took the hint. I took 2 pills on the second week after surgery and it did work really well. Small dose felt like I*d taken 3 pills once.. Gotta listen to the body! It will tell you what is right. It's been telling me to eat healtier as well. I've been craving mandarins which is weird. Good but still weird.

Anyway, I just wanted to write to tell I*m still alive. Watching Captain America, first Avenger, with a very furry friend. Who is shedding.. Just reminds me that if I ever get a dog of my own, I need to get one with black hair! almost all my clothes are black and with white/gold hair, it stands out! But animal therapy works! I feel lessed stressed even though I've got too many lines to remember and exams coming up!

Oh yeah, I have a complaint! 3D and high speed cameras! They do not combine well!! I don't get travel sickness easy, UNLESS it's 3D movie! I just saw Winter Solder in theatres and the hollywood scenes (fight and/or explotions) don't work well in the high speed camera. They shoot more frames in a minute than normal and it just looks very messy! I couldn't really figure out which was whose hand and what was going some of the time because the screen was just so messy! I'm good now, I've been waiting to say that for a week now!

Me again

I've been keeping few days off since my life is so boring and I couldn't think of anything to write about. But yesterday I took a day off from Concerta. And wow did I notice difference!! I couldn't concertrade much on anything, I couldn't wake up like normally. I mean the type you do when you are already risen up from bed but you keep walking around like a zombie. And I couldn't fall asleep as easily as I have before. I got no school work done, couldn't really clean up either. My sense of time was so messed up. I went to computer, started doing stuff, looking at homework assigments, went to facebook and before I realised, I'd lost 2 hours!! That stopped happening with the meds. I could keep aware of the time so much better!! Well I can since I took them today normally. It's so weird! They are definetly doing something to me. I even forgot to take my insulin yesterday! The weirdest thign is to me that now on my meds, I can go do stuff and then come back to what I was doing before!! I can even go back on a sentence, put a comma and then go back writing without loosing my thought! Is this how normal people feel?? I have to say I like it. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to be normal! But doing things with this easiness.. I could get used to this! I never really realised how much more difficult ADHD makes life. This med is supposed to even out my brain to more normal level of brain function. ADHD is caused by low level brain activity in certain areas of the brain. It somewhat differs with different ADHD people. That's why the symptoms vary so much! I mean there are 2 types of it, Attention Deficit (and Hyperactivity) Disorder. The hyperactivity is in brackets since not every one has it, and then it's ADD. I'm hyper enought to power up a city if I was put on one of those huge wheel systems like with small animals for exercise!!

And I do notice my logic and thoughts are still a bit jumbled. I keep jumping from one thing to another. Not sure if that'll stick or will it dissapear with bigger dose. I like it! Althought doing essay it's not the best thing. But I have also noticed that when I do learning diary for a course, I can get original thoughts so much easier. I think I wrote about it before.. I think I should stop before I start repeating myself too much.

I've read some people saying that getting ADHD drugs lessens their creativity. It is one of the positive symptoms of ADHD. Gotta say not happened here. I've written more now with the meds than without. I finished some homework 5 DAYS BEFORE IT WAS DUE! And I got alot done yesterday. Washed some clothes, cleaned my appartment a bit. It's not particularly clean now but in the right direction. I was writing 3 assigments. Read couple of article needed for them. Got some original ideas for all assigments. I even watched 2 movies! The strangest thing is that I can listen to music while doing all of this. Normally I need absolute silence while I read and write. I've got to try writing my story like this.

I've got to say that this is step in the right direction, but I'm still hoping for more. School is still really difficult. It's a bit easier. I can focuse a bit better on what teacher is saying and I can keep thoughts longer in my head. At least long enough to write them down. I get more ideas during lessons. That one was weird. Usually I can't do that since all my energy is going into listening and writing and I keep getting confused with everything going around. Now I could write important points, listen and write at the same time and contribute on the notes. And I think cooking is a bit easier. I can hold thoughts in my head longer definetly. Normally I have to focus on one thing at the time. If I didn't, I'd forget it instantly. I couldn't even think about washing the pot while I had the meat heating up and have music on the background.

All this normality is so weird! Not bad weird. Everything is a bit easier now. I have more energy to focus on other stuff. I can listen to music which I love! Before I could only listen to every once in a while when it didn't interfere with what I was doing. I'm listening to Coldplay right now! And I have not written any lyrics into the text yet! I think..

On a more negative note, I've had more headaches with the meds. I've been having tension headaches for years and now this is making it slightly worse. And I keep drinking ALOT! I want a bigger water bottle for school so I don't need to go fill it during lessons! And I'm still always hungry! 

I am just so glad this hasn't taken away any of the features I love about ADHD. I am still the same lunatic I was before! well not lunatic. Eccentric. Weird. Ok maybe a bit lunatic. But in a good way! I am still the same spontanious, in the moment me I have always been!

More experiences with new meds

I've noticed one thing this past week. I can remember more of my dreams. And I can remember them longer. I can still remember dreams I had earlier this week. Normally I forget them really quickly. Last night I had a dream about been taken as a hostage because some guy needed me for something and wanted to add me into his harem. Half the night I was plotting and planning like I was in some action movie. I really wished I hadn't woken up when I did because now I don't know how I got out.
Most nights I've been having dreams about my theatre group. Understandably since we've still got 2 performances and we've been working really tight lately. And I've had some that are not quite nightmares but almost but they haven't left that anxious feeling when I wake up. I usually get that pretty easily. And I've been more aware that they are dreams and not real. It has some drawbacks. When dreaming about snogging some famous actor, it sucks to know it's a dream...

I have noticed I've accomplished more than normal. And earlier. Usually I get school work done in the evenings when my brain works better. Now I've done alot by 5pm. Downside is that I get tired faster. I fall asleep pretty fast but the rest of the evening is bit of a blur and I can't do anything. I can't even concentrade watching a movie. Today I'm trying taking another pill at later time, hopefully that'll even out it a bit. And hopefully I won't get serious side-effects. I always worry about those. I tend not to get them except with astma meds. Hopefully I get to go out and socialise today. I've been stuck inside doing homework for the last two days, I NEED PEOPLE!!

More thoughts about ADHD

Now this is weird. I'm writing on a second day in a row! I've been making a small list about things I want to say. If I don't write something down in the same second I get the idea, it's lost forever. I think for me this is one of the worst symptoms of ADHD. Too fast brain. I keep forgetting important things like my insulins.

One thing I've been very worried about the meds, is how they will affect my personality. I'm impulsive, I've got a quick wit, I tend not to worry too much since I don't remember the thing I'm worried about for too long. ADHD does affect the personality somewhat. Then one night I realised while trying to fall asleep, I'll still be me. I'd like the impulsitivity to lessen quite a bit. I like being spontanious and I don't like living the same way every day. I love changes. I doubt that will change much no matter what. I'll still adapt. Maybe now I won't get so bored all the time when the every day life is so monotonious. I can't tell yet how this'll affect me. It's still too early for me. But I*m not worried about those effects anymore. I'll be me no matter what!

One of the things I've noticed while theatre practise is that I have alot of trouble to concentrate on the right things. I have to keep battling with my brain all the time. I get distracted so easily. I so wish my acting ability will get somewhat better when I can actually focuse on what I'm doing in that moment rather than everything. Usually I feel like I've got too much on my brain when I'm on stage. 

I haven't noticed much change in me now that this is day 4 on my meds. I don't want much chocolate anymore. Normally I always eat chocolate. And I always want more even though I just ate some. Now I've got at least 3 things I want to start today, lets see how many I actually start. Usually I get nowhere. Well I am here writing this so maybe some improvement is happening. I need to start looking info for one essay on Lingua Franca and start study diary at some point. And I've got to finish that damned English essay. It's giving me too much headache. I just hope I'll be able to read a book properly. Now it's more read line or two, then get sidetracked by something, a noise, thought.. I can't read if there is tv on. If there is any changing noices or lights, it keeps stealing my focuse. I don't want to read for fun since it's so difficult. I want to read but I hate it as well. I very rarely get hyperfocused. Well I can't really remember that happening since high school. Then I could just sit and read Harry Potter book without noticing anything around me. My mom would have to come and nudge me to get my attention. I wish that would happen with my course books but no luck so far...

Oh yeah me!

I just realised I could write something about me.. I am from Finland, born and raised. Eastern Finland to be accurate. I've travelled some, in particular Canada, France and Britain. I'm uncurable Anglophile, sorry!

I'm a nerd, I love scifi. I play some games on PC but my concentration doesn't really cut for playing them. I tend to get mad at the game pretty fast even though I normally almost never get angry. I do like playing car and other simulator games, and Skyrim. But more on the scifi stuff. I am a HUGE Stargate fan although I'll go for anything spacey and techy. My favourite character from Marvel is Iron Man. I love that he's flawed. And this is the reason why I like Loki as a character. I like complex characters. I actually love Snape as well since we don't know much anything about him and it keeps changing throughout the books. Yeah I'm a Harry Potter fan. I don't want to call myself Potterhead since I'm Slytherin. Here is the evidence from last Halloween! Come April I'll propably post something about Stargate Convention.

Right now I am studying English language and culture in University of Eastern Finland. I minor in cultural anthropology. Most of my free time goes into amateur theatre. I sing for fun and I can hold my note. But can't read them. I find it weird. I can read from mid C to first high C but beyond that I'm lost. I've been trying to learn for years. And theoretically I can read the rythm but in practise, not happening!!

I've got several health problems main ones being Diabetes type 1, hypothyroidism and ADHD. At some point, I will post somewhat angry post about diabetes. They tend to happen when ignorant people confuse it with type 2 or forget type 1 excists. I wish it didn't but it does and we have to live with it.

I apologise for the missing articles. I'm getting a bit better with them!! And some of my posts might be a bit confusing since my logic and coherence are a bit.. yeah well.. Oh look, a squirrel!!