Time

Wow, I've been away for a while and I've gotten over 160 views in the meantime! My muse has been hiding from me and I haven't thought of anything special to say. Now I have something!

Time. People with ADHD often experience time differently than neurologically normal people. Sometimes we start to do something. Like on last Saturday, I started to sew a skirt! I started at three by cutting the cloth. I start sewing with my machine and next thing I know, it's 7pm and I'm starving. Where did all the time go? This is called hyperfocusing. Time ceases to exist. There is nothing but what we're focusing. Even our bodies own signals aren't enough to "wake us up." I was starving when I was finishing. I didn't notice anything until I was done. Hyperfocusing is one classic sign of ADHD. It's one of the few times, when we don't suffer from lack of attention. Or which I prefer to call, attention to the whole world. The world and everything in it doesn't exist to us.

I've also noticed that time runs differently depending if I'm on ADHD meds or nor. Before them, time ran quickly. One hour was like one minute. Time would disappear into the chaos of my mind. I might be late for anything because I lost track of time. It would be everyday for me. Time just disappeared. I guess when the brain is full of everything, rambling thoughts, sounds, images, it's hard to keep track of time.
Now, that I'm on stimulants, time has slowed down. I get more things done. Sometimes when I'm cleaning and I've done the living room, part of the kitchen and bathroom, I come to take a short rest, I notice, I've only cleaned for one hour. I have more time. It's like I'm in a time machine. This comes with a down side as well. There is too much time. If I'm upset or tired, waiting two hours until I can go to sleep, feels like forever. And then people tell me it gets better. I hate that saying. When does it get better? How many eternities do I have to wait? One day is like a week for me, so waiting few years? Yeah, that's not good.. Even waiting to the next day is really long time. Getting bored can be really easy being like this. However it has a good side too. It's very easy living in the moment. The moment is generally good. Right now, spring is starting, snow is melting, it's getting warmer and I get to wear skirts soon! Hopefully the one I just made. People are more open and happy with the sun coming out. I get to notice all these things!

Me and Weird Experiences with ADHD

I had to take off a week from ADHD meds. I was feeling a bit weird. I get like this when I have an infection and I thought I had something, but my blood test came normal. I did have slight cold but not bad enough for this kind of reaction. But it was an experience! I definitely noticed the difference. Doing normal stuff took so much more time than with meds. Preparing dinner was a nightmare! I would constantly forget things, go back and forth between kitchen, computer and forgetting the timer. Forgetting to put right things in right places at the right times. I don't think I used ANY seasoning on my food! I forgot half the ingredients in the store. Using lists never helped me since I kept forgetting to do the list, take the list with me or check it. The chaos in my life and head was a lot worse. I like a bit of chaos, but now with the meds I've grown used to less of it.

Another thing: I don't count any of my health issues as bad things or curses. I know many people feel even having one of these is horrible. Especially with ADHD. So many feel that it's a curse. I don't know if it's how I was raised or my own personality, but I don't think it as a bad thing, nor a good thing. It just is. It gives and takes like anything in life. Nothing is perfect but the attitude towards everything and anything is the thing that matters the most. There are days when I curse having diabetes or hypothyroidism or ADHD, but those are just bad days and they go away on their own. Then there will be a good days! I've had diabetes so long that I don't really actively think about it anymore. Most of the processes are automatic, like counting carbs and correcting for them, taking insulin, and staying consious on how I feel. I've had it so long I can recognise signs, ok now I*ve got high or low blood sugar. And I can have some fun with it. One of the funniest things for me is BS. It's short for blood sugar. I think getting diabetes at such young age really affected how I think about health malfunctions. My body hasn't worked like most people's since I was 8. So getting different diagnoses isn't too shocking for me. I get the initial shock yes, but after that it's just, ok I've got this, lets go back to normal life! I'm glad I'm like this. It makes my life so much easier! I do worry about some normal stuff, but I rarely get hang up on them. I refuse to let myself get that way. Life is very stressfull as it is, I don't need to create more stress. So much of that stress is created by the person. I can choose to let it go on, or think and worry about it. I'm not perfect in that aspect. There are certain things that I can't get over just like that, especially things that involve other people or waiting. I'm hopeless at waiting! And I always listen to people who have problems, but my patience runs out when they come to me about the same problem several times a week expecting me to fix it, when it's their thing. I'm their friend, I offer advice and any help I can give, but fixing big issues is their responsibility. Unfortunately there are people like this..

I got bit off track again! What attention problem?

ADHD and seeing the world, or hearing it

I was told few weeks ago that I'm different person in a group situation than I am with three or less people. I hadn't thought about it before but I realised it's true. When I'm in a big group especially in a pub or other public venue, I am really quiet. I usually end up listening more than talking and I leave early. Here is part of the reason; when there are lots of people there is lots of stimuli. Several conversations, music on the background, other people walking about, noises of life. For someone who has ADHD it can be really difficult. It's like being in a dance club with everyone shoving you, loud music, flashing lights. Or in a room with dozens of tvs with sounds really loud. Or in a room full of people where people around you shout your name.
It's really difficult to focus on one conversation when words and topics from others are taking away my focus. I actually love dance clubs because I can focus better there. I can just let go and go with the music.
Anyway. Big social situations. Yeah I usually end up leaving early, because trying to focus on one thing and not everything can give a wicked headache. And even if I don't have a headache, I feel like my brain is malfunctioning. Well it is, but I can't really think anymore and it's overloading. It's bit better with medication though. But even those can't work miracles..

There is another reason why I don't talk in big situations. I have hard time getting word in. I can't talk on top of someone else, I just can't. I respect people too much to talk over them, especially when I can't get a word in. I don't want others to feel the same way. What they say matters! Smaller groups I can talk people's ear off. I can talk bit about everything. I still wish I could talk in a big group but I don't know if it's ever possible.

Senses

There is this thing called Sensory Processing Disorder. I guess it's most common with autism BUT IT DOES APPEAR WITH OTHER BRAIN RELATED ISSUES!! Such as AD(H)D, dyslexia or other learning disabilities. Everytime I meantion it, people start asking about autism. I know something about it but as far as I'm aware, I don't have it. All the test I've taken seem to say I don't have it, I don't have any problems with people. Well some but it's lack of experience in those situations. I am quick to read situations and people and to my knowledge accurately. Just because one group is more likely to have it, it doesn't mean other's won't.

But what is SPD. For me it's not being able to wear certain materials since they scratch or itch like hell. Seriously I think lace should be banned! and wool! I have oversensetive touch but I think only slightly anymore. It used to be alot worse.
Hearing? Yeah, I don't like sopranos or violin because of the pitch. The high notes hurt my ears. I don't like loud sounds. I get scared of sudden, not loud sounds pretty often. I hate my phone! All the sounds are so irritading. Anyway before I get sidetracked again.. Certain sounds literally hurt my ear. I loose concentration easily when there is a sound. Even music! I would like to say before someone gets offended that I think violin and soprano music is beautiful, it just hurts. I was once able to hear a leaking pipe and saved my parents some pretty big bills with that. It's not all bad. But it does mean, if there are multiple sound sources, I get easily confused. It's really difficult to concentrate on normal day let alone in a place where there are 20+ people plus music and other sounds.  I do like dance clubs though. Music calms it down a bit. Which is why I use mp3 player outside. It helps with hearing sensetivity. But I love music in general. I love the harmony if different instruments and patterns. Cello is the most beautiful sounding instrument in the whole wide world.

Three to go. So next smell. Yeah.. I'm one of those who start feeling really nauseaus really quickly with smells. It takes a while to get over. I don't mind well matched perfume on someone as long as it's approriate amount. Not half the bottle! I like to have some scents on my home. I've got some incence sticks and candles. If it's mild, it's not a problem. Some combinations feel horrible though. The point is that not everyone are at the extreme end of this. Some can't handle any scents and some can't smell at all, but most people are somewhere in between towards one end. I like certain smells alot. Lilacs. I can't imagine not being able to smell them like I do.

Sight.. Yeah that's one of my worsts.. I can't go out without sunglasses even if it's not sunny outside. Bright lights hurt my eyes and I get headaches from this. Nothing too bad but it'll be annoying me for the rest of the day. Even being in the dark doesn't help. It'll leave on it's own at some point. Have to say with my sun allergy and light sensetivity, I do feel like a half vampire sometimes. That's one of the positives from this particular trait. One is that I can see colours really well, tell the difference. It's good with photography and drawing. and notice differences.

Last one, taste. That's the worst one for me. I have to be really careful what I put in my mouth. Most normal tasting foods are too much for me. I can't imagine drinking coffee black. The ratio with coffee and milk is about half and half. I hate tasting new foods. I've gotten physically sick from strong tastes or feeling of food. There are certain types of food I can't stand. They make me nauseaus. Like mashed anything. Or blended foods. Soups I can eat but don't like to eat. I like solid food. Weirdly I do like citrus alot! I can't eat things like candy since they are too sweet for me but lemons I can. I could take a bite of lemon if I wanted to. And taking a bite of chocolate is as close to heaven as I can think of. Milk chocolate though. It's unhealhtier but it tastes so good!

There are three points to this post I wanted to make. What Sensory Processing Disorder is, how it affects me and that it's like life, it's got it's good and bad points.

Another day

I have managed to do something today. I haven't drawn much anything in about a year. I was sending a pic of a rose to my mom since it's mother's day here. I can't afford much so I though it would be nice. Then I was looking at the picture and I thought I really want to draw one. Roses can be a bit tricky. They have a certain structure. I love drawing but I also hate it since it is one of the very few things that I end up loosing my temper over. I can't get it right! It just fustrates me since I don't know how to get it right and sometimes what is wrong with it. Then getting this done. I am really proud! I could've spend a bit more time with the shading, or more accurately the light parts, soften them a bit but it's really good! I realised at some point that it is bit easier to focuse on drawing that it has been before. I've been taking Concerta regularly again so it might help quite a bit.

One of the things I've also noticed is that I feel alone easier than normally. I think it's because wihtout the meds, I do alot, I don't concentrate much on anything and my brain keeps jumping ALOT! So now my brain is able to focus and slow down, it's bit more pronounced. I*m not afraid to admit, that I feel lonely. I feel it pretty quickly. Just a few hours and I want some company. I'm a bit too much of a people person.