Sometimes I wish time would stop so I could catch my breath. Getting diagnosed with something new is terrifying process. I don't know if the process being so slow for me is a good or a bad thing. I have more time to research what I might have. Research is one of my coping mechanism. The more I know, the less terrifying this new boogie man is. I have learnt to trust my process. This is not my first rodeo. Being diagnosed with three autoimmune diseases, ADHD and so much more, I know what to expect.
First part is the fear and never ending questions. What is this thing? Will it kill me? Will it affect my quality of life? How will it affect my life? What is the treatment?
At this point, my head will be full of fear, anxiety, anger, and questions. Taking control of the situation is only thing that helps me. First step is to figure out what questions I have. Then looking into what are the answers. I trust myself with google. I know where not to go, and initially to stay away from threads of people's experiences. Peer support is important, but it's not the first step for me. I can spent hours reading about what is happening in my body with this new condition.
After I have figured out what is going on, the despair and anger kicks in. Why me? What have I done to deserve all this? Easy answer, nothing. I was just very unlucky. I was born with genetics that hate me. Anger is part of acceptance. Anger is an emotion, and it has it's purpose. I try to figure out the reason, feel it and use it in a productive way. When you deal with it in a healthy manner, it will go away. If you dwell in it, it will take more energy than it gives.
At the moment, I seem to have hit apathy with my process. I am not officially diagnosed, so I cannot accept I have a new condition, but I am at the mercy of doctors and them doing another round of blood and other tests. I have no control over what is going on, so I just have to try to keep myself busy and not think too much until I have reason to. It's not easy. I have set up a new business. I crochet and try to sell them. The fear of failure is very good distraction. I am trying to figure out all the ways I can market my shop. I will never make too much money out of my business, but few quid here and there would help. I work part time due to being so tired, so this helps. It keeps my mind active even when my body feels tired. It doesn't take too much effort, and it feels nice to create something pretty.
Showing posts with label right to feel. Show all posts
Showing posts with label right to feel. Show all posts
Thursday, 8 November 2018
Friday, 16 October 2015
Dealing with Emotional people
First I'm going to apologise for my quality of writing. I've got pretty bad cold and I'm very off right now.
Then to the point:
This is something that a lot of people don't get, is how to deal with someone, who is drowning in an emotion. There are few very important ground rules:
1. Never every blame the person in any way about the situation. Part of it might be their fault, or all of it, but pointing it out will make the person who feels like they are drowing already, feel A LOT worse. They know they did wrong. They are beating themself up for it already, you don't need to do it for them. Do not even hint in this direction!
2. They have a right to their feelings. So respect them! They are allowed to feel them. Especially someone who is drowning, they have all the rights in the world to feel them. When the emotional feedback lessens, then you can suggest what to do next time or offer help or advice. But the person needs to be calm to accept them. If the person isn't, it will feel like the other "helper" isn't listening to them or is trying to tell that "I don't have the right to feel". Person drowning in emotion isn't too rational.
3. This is the most important thing in the whole depacle: LISTEN! You do not need to say anything, but listen. You can affirm the other person with "that sounds horrible" or whatever fits. It will make the emotional person feel like they are being believed and listened. These feelings are really important. Also saying stuff about your own life, it is taking a big risk. Sometimes it can help, but sometimes it can make the emotional person feel like the other person is trying to take over the conversation with their own problems. Like I said, not thinking rationally.
This is actually called active listening. Most important is to listen what the other person says, and taking it all in. Not just keywords, but the whole message. Someone who is very emotional, won't be able to think straight and will feel like being attacked, if the other isn't listening. It's one of the worst feelings, especially if it's someone close to you. It will feel like an attack. It will feel like the other is saying that you don't have the right to be upset or sad, etc. There is a moment for feelings, and moment to fix the problems, but it's not at the same time. The person needs to be calm to be able to think clearly and start fixing things. That person needs to have all their strenght, because fixing life is one of the most energy consuming things you can do.
Why am I writing this? Well two things, one is that this is what I do automatically, when someone is upset. It's propably part of the reason why people often come to me when highly emotional. Two: because of ADHD, my emotional control isn't same as someone with normal brain function. We have somewhat hightened emotional responses. Now I'm talking bit generally, but some with personal experience. One reason for our hightened emotional responses is that the part of the brain that control emotions (and controls everything like impulses, etc) is working at lower rate. So, emotions in ADHD are a bit wild. Our emotional state can change really rapidly and go from one extreme to the other in seconds. Two, a lot of us have been told that we're not good enough from early age, because we have problems focusing. People with normal brain function don't understand what it's like for us. Focusing is hard for us when the whole world and all the small parts of it are calling our name at any given second. Not all of us are diagnosed at early age. I was diagnosed pretty late. I felt like I wasn't good enough because I can't sit still for longer than an hour. Or I had trouble understanding physics because it has so many different parts that affect one another. Everyone else can, so I should too. I suffered from really low esteem when I was in school. I'm smart, but I'm horrible in school. Then I started to realise, that my brain doesn't take information the same way as other's do. I started to realise, it's not a bad thing. I just have to do things differently! Then I got diagnosis. But this is why people should be very careful about blaming us and accusing that we're not workng hard enough. I've had three burn outs in high school, because I was trying to keep up with others. We have to use more energy in focusing than neurologically normal people, so we give more. Then saying that it's not enough is a slap to the face. Very hard slap that will sting really long time.
Also someone with emotional control issues, one emotion can bring about dozen more. I'm like this. I make a small screw up, I sometimes don't get upset because of the small screw up, but over everything that is going on at the same time and possible the last six months. Depending on the situation and people around me. Life isn't merely a roller coaster with ups and downs, but when there are ups, there can be many thing wrong. Life is never simple!
I think that is enough message for one day.
Then to the point:
This is something that a lot of people don't get, is how to deal with someone, who is drowning in an emotion. There are few very important ground rules:
1. Never every blame the person in any way about the situation. Part of it might be their fault, or all of it, but pointing it out will make the person who feels like they are drowing already, feel A LOT worse. They know they did wrong. They are beating themself up for it already, you don't need to do it for them. Do not even hint in this direction!
2. They have a right to their feelings. So respect them! They are allowed to feel them. Especially someone who is drowning, they have all the rights in the world to feel them. When the emotional feedback lessens, then you can suggest what to do next time or offer help or advice. But the person needs to be calm to accept them. If the person isn't, it will feel like the other "helper" isn't listening to them or is trying to tell that "I don't have the right to feel". Person drowning in emotion isn't too rational.
3. This is the most important thing in the whole depacle: LISTEN! You do not need to say anything, but listen. You can affirm the other person with "that sounds horrible" or whatever fits. It will make the emotional person feel like they are being believed and listened. These feelings are really important. Also saying stuff about your own life, it is taking a big risk. Sometimes it can help, but sometimes it can make the emotional person feel like the other person is trying to take over the conversation with their own problems. Like I said, not thinking rationally.
This is actually called active listening. Most important is to listen what the other person says, and taking it all in. Not just keywords, but the whole message. Someone who is very emotional, won't be able to think straight and will feel like being attacked, if the other isn't listening. It's one of the worst feelings, especially if it's someone close to you. It will feel like an attack. It will feel like the other is saying that you don't have the right to be upset or sad, etc. There is a moment for feelings, and moment to fix the problems, but it's not at the same time. The person needs to be calm to be able to think clearly and start fixing things. That person needs to have all their strenght, because fixing life is one of the most energy consuming things you can do.
Why am I writing this? Well two things, one is that this is what I do automatically, when someone is upset. It's propably part of the reason why people often come to me when highly emotional. Two: because of ADHD, my emotional control isn't same as someone with normal brain function. We have somewhat hightened emotional responses. Now I'm talking bit generally, but some with personal experience. One reason for our hightened emotional responses is that the part of the brain that control emotions (and controls everything like impulses, etc) is working at lower rate. So, emotions in ADHD are a bit wild. Our emotional state can change really rapidly and go from one extreme to the other in seconds. Two, a lot of us have been told that we're not good enough from early age, because we have problems focusing. People with normal brain function don't understand what it's like for us. Focusing is hard for us when the whole world and all the small parts of it are calling our name at any given second. Not all of us are diagnosed at early age. I was diagnosed pretty late. I felt like I wasn't good enough because I can't sit still for longer than an hour. Or I had trouble understanding physics because it has so many different parts that affect one another. Everyone else can, so I should too. I suffered from really low esteem when I was in school. I'm smart, but I'm horrible in school. Then I started to realise, that my brain doesn't take information the same way as other's do. I started to realise, it's not a bad thing. I just have to do things differently! Then I got diagnosis. But this is why people should be very careful about blaming us and accusing that we're not workng hard enough. I've had three burn outs in high school, because I was trying to keep up with others. We have to use more energy in focusing than neurologically normal people, so we give more. Then saying that it's not enough is a slap to the face. Very hard slap that will sting really long time.
Also someone with emotional control issues, one emotion can bring about dozen more. I'm like this. I make a small screw up, I sometimes don't get upset because of the small screw up, but over everything that is going on at the same time and possible the last six months. Depending on the situation and people around me. Life isn't merely a roller coaster with ups and downs, but when there are ups, there can be many thing wrong. Life is never simple!
I think that is enough message for one day.
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