I've gotten some comments in the past month. Three of those stuck to my head: I'm strong, calm and I've got stable and healthy mind. I've got to say that I don't own any of those things! But it's how people see me. People see me as strong, because I have to keep going no matter what. They don't see me crying in bed for hours because I just don't want to face the day. It hasn't happened often to me, maybe twice in the past two years. But I do have days like that. People just see me keeping my head high and pushing forward. They don't know that I don't have the option of being weak. I haven't had people to ask for help in my life. I've had to learn how to survive through shit on my own. I've started learning on how to lean on other people now, on how to ask for help. It's still not easy.
I've lived through too much. I haven't had easy childhood. Teenage was pure hell. On top of normal stuff, I was physically very sick and I had ADHD. I guess my tolerance for shit has gotten pretty high after all of that. I've had to survive all of it. Not just learn how to cope with it all, but survive and thrive. I've got a lot of scars. I have lots of problems still, I've got four phobias and several fears, including fear of abandonment. I'm terrified of being forgotten and replaced. It keeps happening in my life over and over again. I'm an awesome person. I'm warm, open hearted and minded, I care fully about others, I don't judge anyone, I'm really good friend, I'm one of the most loyal people in the world, I always look for the good and I'm pretty and intelligent. But I'm not loud and beautiful. I'm not remarkable at anything. I'm average. It's very easy to overlook me.
Few days ago my coworkers told they were surprised to learn I've got ADHD. They said I was too calm for that. They have some experience in ADHD. I think all of my coworkers have basic training on learning disabilities. People who know me a bit see how I'm really not. I tend to jump in my place when I've got to wait for something and should be still. I run around for no reason sometimes. I like walking instead when I could just call. Once at my work place, I ran the stairs up and down three times just because. My coworker was a bit taken aback by that.
Here is a song that's been stuck in my head for a while. It's beautiful, the lyrics, the melody and music video. I just wanted to share, if anyone is reading this. Snow Patrol - In the End
