Side Note about my Language

I would like to remind that English isn't my native language. It's second or foreign language depending how the way it's counted. I have very high proficiency level in English and I studied English language in university but I only started learning it when I was 9. I sometimes use more English than my native Finnish and I've got lots of friends who I speak in English and some native English speakers as well. But I do get confused with idioms sometimes and correct prepositions. But to be fair I get them confused in Finnish as much as I do in English. I can never remember which idioms are in which language! Some are very similar and sometimes I translate one into the other and I get really confused because it sort of sounds right but not quite. And my pronunciation is pretty good as well! People often have hard time believing I'm Finnish because I don't have the normal signs to say so. People often expect us to sound like Kimi Räikkönen or Mika Häkkinen. Not all of us do! And I have gotten quite a few questions on how long have I been in Britain. I apparently have at least slightly British way of pronunciating words.

Me and Weird Experiences with ADHD

I had to take off a week from ADHD meds. I was feeling a bit weird. I get like this when I have an infection and I thought I had something, but my blood test came normal. I did have slight cold but not bad enough for this kind of reaction. But it was an experience! I definitely noticed the difference. Doing normal stuff took so much more time than with meds. Preparing dinner was a nightmare! I would constantly forget things, go back and forth between kitchen, computer and forgetting the timer. Forgetting to put right things in right places at the right times. I don't think I used ANY seasoning on my food! I forgot half the ingredients in the store. Using lists never helped me since I kept forgetting to do the list, take the list with me or check it. The chaos in my life and head was a lot worse. I like a bit of chaos, but now with the meds I've grown used to less of it.

Another thing: I don't count any of my health issues as bad things or curses. I know many people feel even having one of these is horrible. Especially with ADHD. So many feel that it's a curse. I don't know if it's how I was raised or my own personality, but I don't think it as a bad thing, nor a good thing. It just is. It gives and takes like anything in life. Nothing is perfect but the attitude towards everything and anything is the thing that matters the most. There are days when I curse having diabetes or hypothyroidism or ADHD, but those are just bad days and they go away on their own. Then there will be a good days! I've had diabetes so long that I don't really actively think about it anymore. Most of the processes are automatic, like counting carbs and correcting for them, taking insulin, and staying consious on how I feel. I've had it so long I can recognise signs, ok now I*ve got high or low blood sugar. And I can have some fun with it. One of the funniest things for me is BS. It's short for blood sugar. I think getting diabetes at such young age really affected how I think about health malfunctions. My body hasn't worked like most people's since I was 8. So getting different diagnoses isn't too shocking for me. I get the initial shock yes, but after that it's just, ok I've got this, lets go back to normal life! I'm glad I'm like this. It makes my life so much easier! I do worry about some normal stuff, but I rarely get hang up on them. I refuse to let myself get that way. Life is very stressfull as it is, I don't need to create more stress. So much of that stress is created by the person. I can choose to let it go on, or think and worry about it. I'm not perfect in that aspect. There are certain things that I can't get over just like that, especially things that involve other people or waiting. I'm hopeless at waiting! And I always listen to people who have problems, but my patience runs out when they come to me about the same problem several times a week expecting me to fix it, when it's their thing. I'm their friend, I offer advice and any help I can give, but fixing big issues is their responsibility. Unfortunately there are people like this..

I got bit off track again! What attention problem?

Environment

This time this is gonna be bit different. Well I'm always writing what's on my mind and I've been thinking about this a while. Especially since I hang out with international students quite a bit and sometimes they aske me things because I'm Finnish. This has come up few times.

Sometimes people get amazed about my environmental consciousness. I recycle. I don't use one particular shop because they move some of their merchandise across the world. If I can, I buy Finnish foods. It's not possible with a lot of fruits and I love fruits but vegetables are always Finnish. I sometimes buy slightly more expensive Finnish items, rather than Swedish one. I love food market in the summer! I have my own bags for carrying groceries. We Finnish tend to know a bit more about recycling, but most don't bother too much with it. If the recycling place is close then yeah. But my apartment building only recycles cardboard, mail type papers, bio, and regular garbage. For glass, clothes, dangerous material and metal, we have special places but they are a bit far off, and some items weight a lot!

I've been raised in a school that was part of something called Globe. It later become ENO, Environment Online. There is a bit of a joke in there, because it was created in a small town called Eno. Anyway. It's about taking environment. We took readings, like lake temperature, how much rains in a day, the air temperature, this sort of thing. Well at least back in my day we did those. It was part of my summer homework! I think it's changed a bit in the last 15 years. We were also taught how to make our carbon footprint as small as possible. I liked all those classes and that it stuck with me. A lot of us haven't been keeping up with this. I like knowing I'm doing my part in this world.

Carbon footprint is about small choices. Walking or biking small distances rather than going by bike. Taking public transportation. Buying local foods. Even growing some yourself. Lowering the room temperature by couple of degrees. Donating or selling old stuff. Recycling, especially bio material.

The Doctor

Alright so my conclusion is that the eleventh Doctor has ADHD. And why do I think this? This might contain some spoilers for season 5. I'm writing either very specific, quotes, or very general, in a way it can be almost any episode. Well, does happen in almost every episode.

Reason one impulse control, or lack of it. I'm watching the Christmas Carol and seriously, a chimney! "Sorry, Christmas eve on a rooftop, saw a chimney and my whole brain went what the hell!" He always seem to be gathering stuff from around him as well. Remember the fez? Yeah he picked that up from a museum exhibit. There is a dalek on the loose trying to kill them and world is ending. He still has time to pick up a fez! And he's usually all 'do now, think later'. He comes with great plans and gets everyone out of trouble but with few hick ups along the way.

Concentration. He seems to loose the though sometimes, he does get it back but there is alot of wandering in the between. Off track comments "Now, this console is the key to saving that ship, or I'll eat my hat. If I had a hat. I'll eat someone's hat. Not someone who's using their hat. I don't want to shock a nun, or something. Sorry, rambling, because, because this isn't working!" or "Give me time and a crayon" No idea why a crayon.. Anyway. So what was I saying? Oh yeah he keeps jump around a bit in a room, can't stay still. He always sees something and goes over to it and plays a round a bit, in a sense oh what does this do. He has said he's easily bored. And he often gets stuck on new weird things when the world is ending around him. I sometimes wonder what would happen to him if he didn't have a companion shouting into his ear some sense.

Hyperactive. Yeah he can't sit still for a moment. Need I say more?

He sees things that other people sometimes miss and he looks at the world differently than others. This is something that happens often to people with ADHD. We can often look at simple, everyday things in new light because our perception works differently.

So my conclution is that ADHD people are pretty close to being Time Lord!
But seriously. Part of this can be explained by him being Time Lord. He literally sees the world differently. He can see time. He's lived about thousand years. He's got alot of stuff in his brain.

ADHD and seeing the world, or hearing it

I was told few weeks ago that I'm different person in a group situation than I am with three or less people. I hadn't thought about it before but I realised it's true. When I'm in a big group especially in a pub or other public venue, I am really quiet. I usually end up listening more than talking and I leave early. Here is part of the reason; when there are lots of people there is lots of stimuli. Several conversations, music on the background, other people walking about, noises of life. For someone who has ADHD it can be really difficult. It's like being in a dance club with everyone shoving you, loud music, flashing lights. Or in a room with dozens of tvs with sounds really loud. Or in a room full of people where people around you shout your name.
It's really difficult to focus on one conversation when words and topics from others are taking away my focus. I actually love dance clubs because I can focus better there. I can just let go and go with the music.
Anyway. Big social situations. Yeah I usually end up leaving early, because trying to focus on one thing and not everything can give a wicked headache. And even if I don't have a headache, I feel like my brain is malfunctioning. Well it is, but I can't really think anymore and it's overloading. It's bit better with medication though. But even those can't work miracles..

There is another reason why I don't talk in big situations. I have hard time getting word in. I can't talk on top of someone else, I just can't. I respect people too much to talk over them, especially when I can't get a word in. I don't want others to feel the same way. What they say matters! Smaller groups I can talk people's ear off. I can talk bit about everything. I still wish I could talk in a big group but I don't know if it's ever possible.

Food and Eating

I was just talking to a someone I know about my food issues. I've got Coeliacs and because of that I cannot eat food containing gluten. Those include wheat, barley and rye, sometimes oats. So normal pasta, pizza, etc are no-no for me. Most people don't want to start this kinda diet because it's a limit. They think of all the things they cannot eat. "I can't order pizza, I can't eat pasta, I can't eat doughnuts/pies/cakes." It's not exactly true, now is it. I have delicious lemon cake just next to me! Pizzas and pastas taste basically the same as they did before. I can get all the same foods as I did before gluten free! They cost a bit more than before sure, but I can still eat bread and cakes. People get too hang up on what they can't do rather than what they can do. I'm still as happy as I was before. Well happier, since I was too tired and in pain before going gluten free. Baking is a bit more difficult than before, because gluten is important for holding bakings together, but there are ways to help keep it together. That is the thing about life. Nothing is every simple and straight forward. There is always some form of glitz, but there is always a way round it. It's just matter of willingness to look. Often I hear that people don't want to try something because they know it's a change and it's not going to be easy. The previous way may not be easy either, but it's known and safer. But you don't get the same satisfaction of trying something new, figuring things out and managing to solve new problems! 

And I want to put it in writing that I'm very sceptical about going GF for weight loss. I haven't lost a single kilo with this diet. I've lost weight with hard work and keeping healthy diet. I worked for it. I do encourage people to try it out, because you don't know if it's good for you until you try it! A lot of people end up feeling less tired, have less health issues and getting skin issues under control with this diet. But it's not a weight loss diet. To loose weight you need to eat healthy, get your hormones balanced and exercise. I can't say what is healthy eating besides eating lots of fruits and veggies, because it varies with different people. Allergies and health issues can make very healthy fruit unhealthy for someone else.

Ponderings from Last Entry

I'm coming back to this after few days. It's still making me wonderwhy pretty and beautiful women shouldn't feel insecure about their looks. They are same as other women. I'd like to point that I don't count myself to be beautiful. Pretty yes, beautiful no. I know there are very few women who completely accept their looks to be perfect or beautiful. Basically everyone are aware of their "faults" but it's more about not getting stuck on them and not letting them stop from living your life.

And one thing I have never understood: why would the rest of the world think you are beautiful when you think you are? I know it's about self-confidence but beyond confidence issue I don't get it. But beauty itself. There is the saying beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Kauneus on katsojan silmässä, in Finnish. I'm sure there are similar saying in other languages. So what does it matter if I think myself pretty? It won't affect the other person's views on what is pretty and what isn't. And I am deliberately leaving out confidence issue from this. It doesn't affect the physical factor. I am the type that knows if I am attracted to someone at the first glance. If I'm not, then attraction will never be there. I seem to be pretty rare woman in this matter. Almost everyone I talk to feel it later, when they get to know the other person. For me it goes like this, I first see them and that determines what are the possible futures of the relationship between us, friends or dating. If I'm attracted to them, the mental part comes later and I get deeper feelings for them. I get lots of crap from this. I've been told I'm shallow, don't give people a chance, and even stupid. But for me it's like telling me it's stupid that I'm built the way I am. I can't help it! I just can't feel the attraction later on. It's not my fault. It's the way I am and if it's not good enough for "you" then it's not my problem. I have no problems being friends with guys I don't find attractive. I feel I'm giving them more of a chance being in my life because if I'm attracted to someone, it in itself doesn't mean much. It doesn't say if we're good together, if we're compatible, or if we'll have fun together! It just means I'm attracted to someone and if they asked me on a date, I'll say yes and get to know them better on a personal level. But if it happens that we're not good together, we go our separate ways!

This whole wondering comes from getting as many dates as when I though I looked horrible and now that I've come to terms with myself and taking the best of the deal. I've learned to dress myself to suit my bodytype, I've gotten better physical shape which makes me feel better and seeing the results makes me feel I*ve accomplished something. I'm not saying that people need to be in good shape, but for myself I mean that I've got three medical conditions that are under my control when I'm at the ideal weight. And when those conditions are under my control, I am medically in better shape. Hypothyroidism can cause depression or depression like symptoms. Blood sugars are under control with good physical shape with me. Same with PCOS. I used to weight alot more. I've lost almost 25 kilos. Even though that brought a big change in me, it hasn't changed my life too much. Biggest change is that I'm more myself, as before I was too tired and shy, I've come out of my shell. Weight loss haven't changed my life in some ways. I'm still as lonely as I was back then. It takes long time for me to make friends. I still can't get a boyfriend even though I've got outgoing personality, I'm happy and I am confident. I've got problems with studying and staying focused. There are parts of me that will never go away, because they are deeper and not cosmetic..
I know someone won't comment but will think about the boyfriend issue and the problem isn't that I need a boyfriend to be happy. I already am. It's just a part of my life that's missing. A partnership. Having someone who is important to me and to whom I am important. And someone who can give lots of kisses and cuddles. There is never too much of those!

Looks and Insecurities

I was out with friends today. It was nice and relaxing evening with newer and older acquaintances. At some point one of my older friends and I were talking about videoing myself for a blog and reasons why I don't want to do it. I had this idea of doing a video of myself and add it to my account and  add a link to LinkedIn to show I can speak English fluently and show who I am. The idea sort of fell apart, when I tried to do it. I can't look at myself on video. I absolutely hate my teeth. I've been picked on about them as a kid and they aren't all that pretty to me. Most people don't notice them until I mention something about them. They aren't horribly coloured or anything, but I was born without two front teeth. I have huge gaps between my upper teeth and I hate them. I've been trying to collect money for them for years but it's really expensive to correct them especially since I will need another pair of teeth put in, either bridges or implants. That is a reason why there are no pictures of me smiling mouth open or videos. I told her all of this and she was so surprised when she found out that someone "so outgoing and attractive can have big issues about her looks" direct quote from her. It was just something that struck me as something meaningful. Even if someone is really outgoing, likes to meet people and laugh and be happy, it doesn't mean that someone is completely fine about their looks. It just means they can forget it or go past it. This problem of mine hasn't stopped me from acting on stage, going out with friends, making new friends and smiling. I tend to smile a lot and I laugh easy! I couldn't stop that even if I tried. Of course I can be serious when need be but my default is at happy and smiley.

I guess my ADHD or general attitude comes handy in this one. I can't stay focused something like this, a mental worry, for too long. It's not something I see too often, unless I look into a mirror and it's inside my head. When something else comes along, I forget it. I forget it even when I look into the mirror because I rarely go and check my teeth when I pass one. I usually check my hair and clothes. I can't get anything stuck in my teeth without feeling it! The gaps are too big. When I go out, I don't think about how I look like teeth and clothes. I just am there. I am with the people, what they are saying and enjoy the moment! Life is too short to worry all the time. It takes too much energy and time. There are more important things to spend that time, such as the moments happening right now, the people around you and life!

Sidenote: reason why I haven't done anything about my teeth is that I'm trying to save money for it, it's ridiculously expensive!!

Some thoughts about sexual objects

There is a facebook conversation about sexual objects and men. Can men be sexual objects? The consensus seems to be that men cannot be sexual objects as women are. The conversation seems to be that when men are viewed as objects they are put on pedestal as a person whereas women are mere sexual objects. Women aren't remembered for their personality or what they do, but as sexual bodies. This discussion was brought up by the ALS challenge. Bucket of icy water is thrown over an actor or actress to raise awareness and funds for good cause. I agree that these causes are good, but I don't like the method. These are basically wet t-shirt contests for money. How is this different than a car wash with young women in bikinis? They are more widespread, I admit and lots of famous people are taking part in this. I still don't see the difference! It was even sadder, when one of the support groups I am in, were talking that we would need to do something similar to get attention and awareness to this condition as well. I don't have an issue to being in a bikini to get awareness to my cause and my illnesses but I'm saddened that to get them, someone would need to be half naked!

This ALS challenge lead the conversation to men's nakedness and how it's viewed. The attitude to women's barely covering themselves is not equal to men's. Men take their clothes off, it's alright. It's a person taking off their clothes. He still has his personality and character. Woman takes off her clothes, it becomes who she is. Is woman's sexuality and power that feared? Women have been feared for hundreds of years. We are the giver of life. We have power that men can't dream of! And when Christianity was in full force, we were deemed the deceiver who took the apple. I mean seriously!! We have come a long way from this but there is still long way to go! I don't think women's body will be equal footing with man's until the generations who were taught to believe women aren't equal have died.
There was an excellent timing with this topic. I was just doing an essay where part of the subject was women and our sexuality in specific culture. They (I can't speak about us, because I might be a woman, I'm not part of this particular culture) were very free sexwise. They could have sex with the person they chose and it was part of the culture. They had the power to choose and be free. Today and here, woman can't do that. She would get instantly stamp of being a slut! What is worse, is that men are more than allowed to sleep around! I don't exactly understand the morality of this. If men are supposed to sleep with lots of different people, are they supposed to be sleeping with other men since women are considered to be sluts if we partake in this? I think I need to cool down and get off my soap box for a while..

Update: I accidentally came across the reason for the bucket of ice water. It is a good reason and I get it but it still don't enterily like the challenge. It is a good cause and doing a stunt to raise awareness is a good thing but it's still too artificial for my taste. If anyone is reading this, you should check Sir Patrick Steward's contribution to the challenge, it's brilliant!

On Being a Diabetic

Being a diabetic isn't always easy. There are so many things that affect the blood sugars and when the only source of insulin is external it's tricky. Things that make blood sugar crazy include weather, excercise, food, stress, and any combination of these. I started working as a cleaning lady and I was working on my feet 7 hours a day and in bad heatwave. Yeah, this is not the best combination. First week I had at least one hypo a day, that means hypoglycemic or low blood sugar. And several at home. It's not good. And it was only from the heat and work. If I had been working at winter, my blood sugars would have been more manageable but this way I had to lower my basal insulin 35% and I had to cut at least one unit from bolus insulin. Basal means long acting or with pump it means the basic dose you need to get all of the time. Bolus means a bonus insulin with pump or short acting with just injections, and that's a correction for food or high blood sugars. It's really tricky sometimes to try to predict what to take, because I need to know what's going to happen during the day. I take long acting insulin twice a day which makes it easier, since I need only to know what I will do today and I don't need to take into account for tomorrow as well, like I did with Lantus. I've got some spontanious streak from ADHD and sometimes I feel I need to do something because of the hyperactivity so the Levemir gives me better leeway with this. 
My work ended last Thursday and my blood sugars have been rising. I've been slowly increasing my basal insulin. Well I finally had some proper relaxation last night, good movie and laughing and since then I've had 5 hypos. My highs were from stress not from less excercise.. Sometimes, it's a guessing game with this condition. Some diabetics have problems loosing weight because we need to take so much extra meals because of hypos. Sometimes it's really hard to predict how much to lower basal insulin! We don't often have weight problems, or let me rephrase that: we have less weight problems than type 2 diabetics. Our condition isn't cured with low carb diet or the like. Our bodies don't make insulin at all! We'd die without any insulin!

But sometimes it is easy. Before the heatwave, every time I took my blood sugars, they were perfect! My hypothyroidism was, or is, under my control, not other way around and that helps with blood sugar control. I didn't have to worry about lows or highs. I didn't need to be religious about injections, I mean I didn't need to count the carbs with too much care. When my diabetes is balanced, it doesn't get off balance too easily. If I missed injection complitely I would be screwed for a while, but having a meal and counting the carbs slightly off wasn't big mistake. I could even eat a kiwi or similar, and not have any insulin and highest BS would get, was 12. For a short while, that's nothing dangerous. I'd just take unit or two more with next injection.

Work

I've been working this month. I got summer job as a cleaner and it's been going well. I mean I'm exhausted by the end of the day but no other problems. It's nice to do something I know how to do. I don't want to do this for the rest of my life since I don't think my body could take this even one year. There are two things I like about this: I don't do it alone and the people there are fantastic! I was cleaning the windows yesterday and five people stopped to say what a lovely job I was doing. That is fantastic! I've very rarely gotten any feedback from my work and to get it just like that feel amazing. I'm not generalising but according to my experience, people don't really thing about how clean it is and comment on it, but if there is something dirty, there is someone pretty quickly commenting on that. And I like doing things like these with someone since I can ask questions and I like having company when I'm doing physican labour. If I was doing something, that really needed my brain, I would prefer to work on my own.

The thing about knowing what to do, is that on the first day I could just start doing. I didn't need to wait for instruction. And I can do things before asked, expect what's going to happen, like getting something we'll need before we need it and filling the cart. I'm not a fan of waiting. I prefer to do things. So I tend to take initiative when I don't have something to do for a while.

Weird Experience

I've got three exams in three weeks and I'm busy studing now especially with the play being over. I've been reading today and my goal is to read at least 50 pages. Now I've been reading about hour and a half and I've read 30 pages with notes! With no difficulties! I have only twice gotten sidetracked and had to get up twice to stretch. This is very weird!! Normally I can ready very little at a time, few pages, and go back a lot to reread something, I do alot of other stuff in between. I love Concerta! I can remember alot easier the stuff I've read and I can make pretty coherent notes as well. And I don't get confused as much, going between book and notes. I can even remember where I was reading when I do back to the book. I know alot of people think this normal but not me. To me studying is really hard. It takes about twice much work for me than someone neurologically normal. Reason why I am so behind on my studies... I'm actually starting to like studying. I've even managed to contact teacher my email about course work and not think about it for days: I should do this. I'm bit excited to see how this studying will pay off, will I get normal grades, will the exam be the same hell as usually or not. Bit worried about reading 5 books and alots of online material for these. Will my brain explode before this is over... The exam I*m reading right now is about racism and it is fascinating. I can't understand it so I'm drawn to it from the unknown perspective. It's shaped societies since who knows how long. I'm minoring in Sociology.

Senses

There is this thing called Sensory Processing Disorder. I guess it's most common with autism BUT IT DOES APPEAR WITH OTHER BRAIN RELATED ISSUES!! Such as AD(H)D, dyslexia or other learning disabilities. Everytime I meantion it, people start asking about autism. I know something about it but as far as I'm aware, I don't have it. All the test I've taken seem to say I don't have it, I don't have any problems with people. Well some but it's lack of experience in those situations. I am quick to read situations and people and to my knowledge accurately. Just because one group is more likely to have it, it doesn't mean other's won't.

But what is SPD. For me it's not being able to wear certain materials since they scratch or itch like hell. Seriously I think lace should be banned! and wool! I have oversensetive touch but I think only slightly anymore. It used to be alot worse.
Hearing? Yeah, I don't like sopranos or violin because of the pitch. The high notes hurt my ears. I don't like loud sounds. I get scared of sudden, not loud sounds pretty often. I hate my phone! All the sounds are so irritading. Anyway before I get sidetracked again.. Certain sounds literally hurt my ear. I loose concentration easily when there is a sound. Even music! I would like to say before someone gets offended that I think violin and soprano music is beautiful, it just hurts. I was once able to hear a leaking pipe and saved my parents some pretty big bills with that. It's not all bad. But it does mean, if there are multiple sound sources, I get easily confused. It's really difficult to concentrate on normal day let alone in a place where there are 20+ people plus music and other sounds.  I do like dance clubs though. Music calms it down a bit. Which is why I use mp3 player outside. It helps with hearing sensetivity. But I love music in general. I love the harmony if different instruments and patterns. Cello is the most beautiful sounding instrument in the whole wide world.

Three to go. So next smell. Yeah.. I'm one of those who start feeling really nauseaus really quickly with smells. It takes a while to get over. I don't mind well matched perfume on someone as long as it's approriate amount. Not half the bottle! I like to have some scents on my home. I've got some incence sticks and candles. If it's mild, it's not a problem. Some combinations feel horrible though. The point is that not everyone are at the extreme end of this. Some can't handle any scents and some can't smell at all, but most people are somewhere in between towards one end. I like certain smells alot. Lilacs. I can't imagine not being able to smell them like I do.

Sight.. Yeah that's one of my worsts.. I can't go out without sunglasses even if it's not sunny outside. Bright lights hurt my eyes and I get headaches from this. Nothing too bad but it'll be annoying me for the rest of the day. Even being in the dark doesn't help. It'll leave on it's own at some point. Have to say with my sun allergy and light sensetivity, I do feel like a half vampire sometimes. That's one of the positives from this particular trait. One is that I can see colours really well, tell the difference. It's good with photography and drawing. and notice differences.

Last one, taste. That's the worst one for me. I have to be really careful what I put in my mouth. Most normal tasting foods are too much for me. I can't imagine drinking coffee black. The ratio with coffee and milk is about half and half. I hate tasting new foods. I've gotten physically sick from strong tastes or feeling of food. There are certain types of food I can't stand. They make me nauseaus. Like mashed anything. Or blended foods. Soups I can eat but don't like to eat. I like solid food. Weirdly I do like citrus alot! I can't eat things like candy since they are too sweet for me but lemons I can. I could take a bite of lemon if I wanted to. And taking a bite of chocolate is as close to heaven as I can think of. Milk chocolate though. It's unhealhtier but it tastes so good!

There are three points to this post I wanted to make. What Sensory Processing Disorder is, how it affects me and that it's like life, it's got it's good and bad points.

side-effects

Ok lets try again!! I can't work the blogger with too much grace since I don't know how to undo the weird colour behind the text

So side-effects of Concerta. It doesn't work well with anxiety. I had to stop taking it for two days before the opening night of the play, since I was too nervous. Then started it again with hope I wouldn't get the starting side-effects. Which are panic attacks. They come out of nowhere and go away about as quickly as they come. I just had three panic attacks in one hour and then just stopped. Although green tea might have had something to do with it. I don't want caffeine with the drug since they have similar effects on the body. I was just standing in the queu for cashier's and it just started. I wasn't doing anything to trigger it and I was just listening to music on my mp3 player. ADHD kicking in again, I wrote mp5 player.. I wonder what that would be, you can't really play mp5... Anyway back to where I was. I knew what it was so I just waited for my turn and kept coughing. I don't know why but it's what I always do when I get panic attack. By the time I got all my stuff in my bag it was all over! well the first one was over.. When I got back home, I got two more. Then nothing. I feel a bit tired after all those but mentally ok. I know what causes them so they aren't that scary. It's a bit scary when they come out of nowhere. But knowing what they are helps! and remembering to breath and not get more anxious!
 Tomorrow will be complitely different thank goodness!! Only worry tomorrow is that I remember all my lines and don't lose my voice overnight. I can barely talk after yesterday. I have to yell in the play and with a cold... Good thing is that Concerta really helping with acting. I can focus more on being on the stage. It's easier to remember lines, where to be, how I am related to audience, what I'm doing, what to feel. On a normal day, it's really exhausting for me. Too much going on. And with all that trying to keep focused on the right things and not get distracted by others. AND we're doing comedy so the stuff other's do is HILARIOUS!! I have to keep poker face through the whole thing and it's so much easier with this!! I'm not saying it's a miracle worker but for right people it makes life more.. I don't want to say easier but more  manageable maybe? Life isn't easy but it doesn't need to be too difficult. If there are things to make it more manageable, I'm all for it!!

Another day

I have managed to do something today. I haven't drawn much anything in about a year. I was sending a pic of a rose to my mom since it's mother's day here. I can't afford much so I though it would be nice. Then I was looking at the picture and I thought I really want to draw one. Roses can be a bit tricky. They have a certain structure. I love drawing but I also hate it since it is one of the very few things that I end up loosing my temper over. I can't get it right! It just fustrates me since I don't know how to get it right and sometimes what is wrong with it. Then getting this done. I am really proud! I could've spend a bit more time with the shading, or more accurately the light parts, soften them a bit but it's really good! I realised at some point that it is bit easier to focuse on drawing that it has been before. I've been taking Concerta regularly again so it might help quite a bit.

One of the things I've also noticed is that I feel alone easier than normally. I think it's because wihtout the meds, I do alot, I don't concentrate much on anything and my brain keeps jumping ALOT! So now my brain is able to focus and slow down, it's bit more pronounced. I*m not afraid to admit, that I feel lonely. I feel it pretty quickly. Just a few hours and I want some company. I'm a bit too much of a people person.

I'M ALIVE!!

Yeah, it's been a while. I was in a surgery about two months ago and I haven't been able to write. Well, I was able physically but not mentally. My ADHD got even worse with the recuperation. It was a big surgery and I still don't feel normal. I haven't felt well enough even to take my ADHD meds. And my concentration has gone from bad to worse. And of course this all happened at the same time as several entrance exams to universities and normal exams from my current major.. I have started to feel the "normal" hyperactivity. My muscles keep itching all the time. Not as bad as it used to be but getting there. I've gained weight without it. Usually I have to keep moving alot during the day to keep it away but now not so much. I've felt strong enough to start excercising for fun. After the surgery all my other health issues, like Diabetes t1 and hypothyroidism been strange as well. Now they have started to settle as well. But the weird thing was that I couldn't take Concerta. I would stay up all night if I did. And I took it at a normal time as before but it worked really weird. I didn't understand it at first but after the second sleepless night, I took the hint. I took 2 pills on the second week after surgery and it did work really well. Small dose felt like I*d taken 3 pills once.. Gotta listen to the body! It will tell you what is right. It's been telling me to eat healtier as well. I've been craving mandarins which is weird. Good but still weird.

Anyway, I just wanted to write to tell I*m still alive. Watching Captain America, first Avenger, with a very furry friend. Who is shedding.. Just reminds me that if I ever get a dog of my own, I need to get one with black hair! almost all my clothes are black and with white/gold hair, it stands out! But animal therapy works! I feel lessed stressed even though I've got too many lines to remember and exams coming up!

Oh yeah, I have a complaint! 3D and high speed cameras! They do not combine well!! I don't get travel sickness easy, UNLESS it's 3D movie! I just saw Winter Solder in theatres and the hollywood scenes (fight and/or explotions) don't work well in the high speed camera. They shoot more frames in a minute than normal and it just looks very messy! I couldn't really figure out which was whose hand and what was going some of the time because the screen was just so messy! I'm good now, I've been waiting to say that for a week now!

Me again

I've been keeping few days off since my life is so boring and I couldn't think of anything to write about. But yesterday I took a day off from Concerta. And wow did I notice difference!! I couldn't concertrade much on anything, I couldn't wake up like normally. I mean the type you do when you are already risen up from bed but you keep walking around like a zombie. And I couldn't fall asleep as easily as I have before. I got no school work done, couldn't really clean up either. My sense of time was so messed up. I went to computer, started doing stuff, looking at homework assigments, went to facebook and before I realised, I'd lost 2 hours!! That stopped happening with the meds. I could keep aware of the time so much better!! Well I can since I took them today normally. It's so weird! They are definetly doing something to me. I even forgot to take my insulin yesterday! The weirdest thign is to me that now on my meds, I can go do stuff and then come back to what I was doing before!! I can even go back on a sentence, put a comma and then go back writing without loosing my thought! Is this how normal people feel?? I have to say I like it. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to be normal! But doing things with this easiness.. I could get used to this! I never really realised how much more difficult ADHD makes life. This med is supposed to even out my brain to more normal level of brain function. ADHD is caused by low level brain activity in certain areas of the brain. It somewhat differs with different ADHD people. That's why the symptoms vary so much! I mean there are 2 types of it, Attention Deficit (and Hyperactivity) Disorder. The hyperactivity is in brackets since not every one has it, and then it's ADD. I'm hyper enought to power up a city if I was put on one of those huge wheel systems like with small animals for exercise!!

And I do notice my logic and thoughts are still a bit jumbled. I keep jumping from one thing to another. Not sure if that'll stick or will it dissapear with bigger dose. I like it! Althought doing essay it's not the best thing. But I have also noticed that when I do learning diary for a course, I can get original thoughts so much easier. I think I wrote about it before.. I think I should stop before I start repeating myself too much.

Bit pissed off about ignorance

I am on a rant today.. One of the main channels in Finland, for news and other tv-programs, had an article about how to avoid diabetes. Well I read it.. Drink lots of coffee. Yeah I'm sure that'll stop diabetes.. I'm sure I could have stopped mine!! Is it so hard to type in TYPE TWO DIABETES! There are so many types of diabetes. Type one: autoimmune disease. Usually happens with children although it's not resticted by age. Oldest woman to get it was 94. In it the own immune system kills off the cells making insulin. So someone with type one has to inject insulin or have a insulin pump. There is no miracle diet so you could not take insulin. There is no option to taking insulin. I've had to instances where I've been asked questions about this. First one was, how much weight have you lost. NO it's not a polite question. And the answer was none. Weight loss doesn't help! well in the sense that it helps with the amount of insulin you've gotta take and blood sugar levels but IT IS NOT A CURE!! other one was that the person did not believe I was on merely insulin. He seemed to think it's impossible. You have diabetes you have to have some form of pills for it. NO THERE ARE NO PILLS FOR TYPE ONE DIABETES!! That's for type 2. Type 2 is the one where you can diet to help your condition. There are pills to help the insulin resistance. You can have extra insulin BUT IN MOST CASES YOU BODY IS STILL ABLE TO PRODUCE INSULIN! Just for some reason it's not making enough, it's not using it right or something is interfering with these processes. And there is gestational diabetes as well but that one ends as soon as the baby is born. And men you don't need to worry about this.

but my message for today

TYPE ONE DIABETES IS REAL, WE NEED INSULIN FROM A OUTSIDE SOURCE TO SURVIVE!! IT'S AUTOIMMUNE DISEASE AND YOU LIVE WITH IT UNTILL YOU DIE! THERE ARE MORE THAN TYPE TWO DIABETES OUT THERE!!!!!!!

I've read some people saying that getting ADHD drugs lessens their creativity. It is one of the positive symptoms of ADHD. Gotta say not happened here. I've written more now with the meds than without. I finished some homework 5 DAYS BEFORE IT WAS DUE! And I got alot done yesterday. Washed some clothes, cleaned my appartment a bit. It's not particularly clean now but in the right direction. I was writing 3 assigments. Read couple of article needed for them. Got some original ideas for all assigments. I even watched 2 movies! The strangest thing is that I can listen to music while doing all of this. Normally I need absolute silence while I read and write. I've got to try writing my story like this.

I've got to say that this is step in the right direction, but I'm still hoping for more. School is still really difficult. It's a bit easier. I can focuse a bit better on what teacher is saying and I can keep thoughts longer in my head. At least long enough to write them down. I get more ideas during lessons. That one was weird. Usually I can't do that since all my energy is going into listening and writing and I keep getting confused with everything going around. Now I could write important points, listen and write at the same time and contribute on the notes. And I think cooking is a bit easier. I can hold thoughts in my head longer definetly. Normally I have to focus on one thing at the time. If I didn't, I'd forget it instantly. I couldn't even think about washing the pot while I had the meat heating up and have music on the background.

All this normality is so weird! Not bad weird. Everything is a bit easier now. I have more energy to focus on other stuff. I can listen to music which I love! Before I could only listen to every once in a while when it didn't interfere with what I was doing. I'm listening to Coldplay right now! And I have not written any lyrics into the text yet! I think..

On a more negative note, I've had more headaches with the meds. I've been having tension headaches for years and now this is making it slightly worse. And I keep drinking ALOT! I want a bigger water bottle for school so I don't need to go fill it during lessons! And I'm still always hungry! 

I am just so glad this hasn't taken away any of the features I love about ADHD. I am still the same lunatic I was before! well not lunatic. Eccentric. Weird. Ok maybe a bit lunatic. But in a good way! I am still the same spontanious, in the moment me I have always been!

More experiences with new meds

I've noticed one thing this past week. I can remember more of my dreams. And I can remember them longer. I can still remember dreams I had earlier this week. Normally I forget them really quickly. Last night I had a dream about been taken as a hostage because some guy needed me for something and wanted to add me into his harem. Half the night I was plotting and planning like I was in some action movie. I really wished I hadn't woken up when I did because now I don't know how I got out.
Most nights I've been having dreams about my theatre group. Understandably since we've still got 2 performances and we've been working really tight lately. And I've had some that are not quite nightmares but almost but they haven't left that anxious feeling when I wake up. I usually get that pretty easily. And I've been more aware that they are dreams and not real. It has some drawbacks. When dreaming about snogging some famous actor, it sucks to know it's a dream...

I have noticed I've accomplished more than normal. And earlier. Usually I get school work done in the evenings when my brain works better. Now I've done alot by 5pm. Downside is that I get tired faster. I fall asleep pretty fast but the rest of the evening is bit of a blur and I can't do anything. I can't even concentrade watching a movie. Today I'm trying taking another pill at later time, hopefully that'll even out it a bit. And hopefully I won't get serious side-effects. I always worry about those. I tend not to get them except with astma meds. Hopefully I get to go out and socialise today. I've been stuck inside doing homework for the last two days, I NEED PEOPLE!!

More thoughts about ADHD

Now this is weird. I'm writing on a second day in a row! I've been making a small list about things I want to say. If I don't write something down in the same second I get the idea, it's lost forever. I think for me this is one of the worst symptoms of ADHD. Too fast brain. I keep forgetting important things like my insulins.

One thing I've been very worried about the meds, is how they will affect my personality. I'm impulsive, I've got a quick wit, I tend not to worry too much since I don't remember the thing I'm worried about for too long. ADHD does affect the personality somewhat. Then one night I realised while trying to fall asleep, I'll still be me. I'd like the impulsitivity to lessen quite a bit. I like being spontanious and I don't like living the same way every day. I love changes. I doubt that will change much no matter what. I'll still adapt. Maybe now I won't get so bored all the time when the every day life is so monotonious. I can't tell yet how this'll affect me. It's still too early for me. But I*m not worried about those effects anymore. I'll be me no matter what!

One of the things I've noticed while theatre practise is that I have alot of trouble to concentrate on the right things. I have to keep battling with my brain all the time. I get distracted so easily. I so wish my acting ability will get somewhat better when I can actually focuse on what I'm doing in that moment rather than everything. Usually I feel like I've got too much on my brain when I'm on stage. 

I haven't noticed much change in me now that this is day 4 on my meds. I don't want much chocolate anymore. Normally I always eat chocolate. And I always want more even though I just ate some. Now I've got at least 3 things I want to start today, lets see how many I actually start. Usually I get nowhere. Well I am here writing this so maybe some improvement is happening. I need to start looking info for one essay on Lingua Franca and start study diary at some point. And I've got to finish that damned English essay. It's giving me too much headache. I just hope I'll be able to read a book properly. Now it's more read line or two, then get sidetracked by something, a noise, thought.. I can't read if there is tv on. If there is any changing noices or lights, it keeps stealing my focuse. I don't want to read for fun since it's so difficult. I want to read but I hate it as well. I very rarely get hyperfocused. Well I can't really remember that happening since high school. Then I could just sit and read Harry Potter book without noticing anything around me. My mom would have to come and nudge me to get my attention. I wish that would happen with my course books but no luck so far...

Oh yeah me!

I just realised I could write something about me.. I am from Finland, born and raised. Eastern Finland to be accurate. I've travelled some, in particular Canada, France and Britain. I'm uncurable Anglophile, sorry!

I'm a nerd, I love scifi. I play some games on PC but my concentration doesn't really cut for playing them. I tend to get mad at the game pretty fast even though I normally almost never get angry. I do like playing car and other simulator games, and Skyrim. But more on the scifi stuff. I am a HUGE Stargate fan although I'll go for anything spacey and techy. My favourite character from Marvel is Iron Man. I love that he's flawed. And this is the reason why I like Loki as a character. I like complex characters. I actually love Snape as well since we don't know much anything about him and it keeps changing throughout the books. Yeah I'm a Harry Potter fan. I don't want to call myself Potterhead since I'm Slytherin. Here is the evidence from last Halloween! Come April I'll propably post something about Stargate Convention.

Right now I am studying English language and culture in University of Eastern Finland. I minor in cultural anthropology. Most of my free time goes into amateur theatre. I sing for fun and I can hold my note. But can't read them. I find it weird. I can read from mid C to first high C but beyond that I'm lost. I've been trying to learn for years. And theoretically I can read the rythm but in practise, not happening!!

I've got several health problems main ones being Diabetes type 1, hypothyroidism and ADHD. At some point, I will post somewhat angry post about diabetes. They tend to happen when ignorant people confuse it with type 2 or forget type 1 excists. I wish it didn't but it does and we have to live with it.

I apologise for the missing articles. I'm getting a bit better with them!! And some of my posts might be a bit confusing since my logic and coherence are a bit.. yeah well.. Oh look, a squirrel!!

ADHD and My Experiences with It

I've always been a bit weird child as long as I can remember. I never liked what the masses like. I was a nerd since I knew how to read. I never got along with the popular kids. I like the real characters. But aaanyway.. I knew something was wrong with me since I was 8. I couldn't read well. It was way to difficult. But with child's logic, I decided to hide it. It took me about two years to learn how to read properly. Once I found an interesting book, Star Wars pocket book, I started reading incredibly fast. I just figured I finally cought up with others.. At high school, I started to get t he reading problems again. What I learned later on that I got hypothyroidism at this point which made the problem worse. I considered going to the nurse with the thought of having Dyslexia. Well I didn't. Then more years later at University, I got the though again going to the nurse with Dyslexia since my reading ability was getting ridiculous. I could not concentrade on anything, I kept forgetting, skipping lines, words.. Noice somewhere, and I forgot everything I read in the last few minutes. At some point here I had read up on ADHD and realised this is me! I couldn't concentrade on anything. I couldn't remember anything more than few seconds untill something else came up. My cleaning was, start pick up things on the floor, "oh there's a fork, I'll take it to kitchen, what's my hair dryer doing in the kitchen, lemme take it to bathroom, oh clothes I'll put those away" and on it goes. I might remember the cleaning part days later when I saw a dust bunny hopping by. I took a test and I got 96 points on concentration and remembering. The limit to suggest ADHD was 75... Finally I made it to doctor's office. Few months after that I got an apointment to psychiatric doctor who leads the team on neuropsychology. At the first appointment he told me it sounded like I've got ADHD and I was so relieved. We made more appointments for diagnosis and treatments. Finally I was getting the help I needed.

At my last appointment, I got a Concerta trial. It is the most often used ADHD medication. It is a stimulant. Its effects last about 10 hours or is supposed to. I've taken it on two days now. Only thing I've notices I am always hungry. Which is sort of ironic since I was warned by the doctor and pharmacist it will most likely take away my appetite. I was already rooting for loosing a few kilos. No such luck. I've taken it on two days and I've noticed, I'm hungry, I get more tired in the evenings. This one could be from exhausting theatre. We're in the middle of a play season. We're just past the midway. I'm always exhausted when I get off stage. But this is more profound. I've fallen asleep more easily than normal. Often I've had trouble falling asleep when my brain won't shut off. It just keeps thinking about thousand things it doesn't need to. I haven't noticed anything in my school work. Well that's not entirely true. I noticed several mistakes in my own essay, which teacher in a few minutes pointed out to me. I've been reading that essay for weeks and not noticed anything.. Not sure if it was the paper form of the essay or the meds. Maybe it is helping since I am here writing this one. I showed some iniative!! and managed to start something. And now I am hungry again although I ate large breakfast about an hour ago. The meds are starting to kick in apparently.

I just thought I'd share my experiences with adult ADHD. It's been a process but an interesting one. I know I'm forgetting alot of stuff for this one but I'll add them in later posts. Like more symptoms and how this is going.