Time

Wow, I've been away for a while and I've gotten over 160 views in the meantime! My muse has been hiding from me and I haven't thought of anything special to say. Now I have something!

Time. People with ADHD often experience time differently than neurologically normal people. Sometimes we start to do something. Like on last Saturday, I started to sew a skirt! I started at three by cutting the cloth. I start sewing with my machine and next thing I know, it's 7pm and I'm starving. Where did all the time go? This is called hyperfocusing. Time ceases to exist. There is nothing but what we're focusing. Even our bodies own signals aren't enough to "wake us up." I was starving when I was finishing. I didn't notice anything until I was done. Hyperfocusing is one classic sign of ADHD. It's one of the few times, when we don't suffer from lack of attention. Or which I prefer to call, attention to the whole world. The world and everything in it doesn't exist to us.

I've also noticed that time runs differently depending if I'm on ADHD meds or nor. Before them, time ran quickly. One hour was like one minute. Time would disappear into the chaos of my mind. I might be late for anything because I lost track of time. It would be everyday for me. Time just disappeared. I guess when the brain is full of everything, rambling thoughts, sounds, images, it's hard to keep track of time.
Now, that I'm on stimulants, time has slowed down. I get more things done. Sometimes when I'm cleaning and I've done the living room, part of the kitchen and bathroom, I come to take a short rest, I notice, I've only cleaned for one hour. I have more time. It's like I'm in a time machine. This comes with a down side as well. There is too much time. If I'm upset or tired, waiting two hours until I can go to sleep, feels like forever. And then people tell me it gets better. I hate that saying. When does it get better? How many eternities do I have to wait? One day is like a week for me, so waiting few years? Yeah, that's not good.. Even waiting to the next day is really long time. Getting bored can be really easy being like this. However it has a good side too. It's very easy living in the moment. The moment is generally good. Right now, spring is starting, snow is melting, it's getting warmer and I get to wear skirts soon! Hopefully the one I just made. People are more open and happy with the sun coming out. I get to notice all these things!

Perception vs Reality

I've gotten some comments in the past month. Three of those stuck to my head: I'm strong, calm and I've got stable and healthy mind. I've got to say that I don't own any of those things! But it's how people see me. People see me as strong, because I have to keep going no matter what. They don't see me crying in bed for hours because I just don't want to face the day. It hasn't happened often to me, maybe twice in the past two years. But I do have days like that. People just see me keeping my head high and pushing forward. They don't know that I don't have the option of being weak. I haven't had people to ask for help in my life. I've had to learn how to survive through shit on my own. I've started learning on how to lean on other people now, on how to ask for help. It's still not easy.

I've lived through too much. I haven't had easy childhood. Teenage was pure hell. On top of normal stuff, I was physically very sick and I had ADHD. I guess my tolerance for shit has gotten pretty high after all of that. I've had to survive all of it. Not just learn how to cope with it all, but survive and thrive. I've got a lot of scars. I have lots of problems still, I've got four phobias and several fears, including fear of abandonment. I'm terrified of being forgotten and replaced. It keeps happening in my life over and over again. I'm an awesome person. I'm warm, open hearted and minded, I care fully about others, I don't judge anyone, I'm really good friend, I'm one of the most loyal people in the world, I always look for the good and I'm pretty and intelligent. But I'm not loud and beautiful. I'm not remarkable at anything. I'm average. It's very easy to overlook me.

Few days ago my coworkers told they were surprised to learn I've got ADHD. They said I was too calm for that. They have some experience in ADHD. I think all of my coworkers have basic training on learning disabilities. People who know me a bit see how I'm really not. I tend to jump in my place when I've got to wait for something and should be still. I run around for no reason sometimes. I like walking instead when I could just call. Once at my work place, I ran the stairs up and down three times just because. My coworker was a bit taken aback by that.

Here is a song that's been stuck in my head for a while. It's beautiful, the lyrics, the melody and music video. I just wanted to share, if anyone is reading this. Snow Patrol - In the End