ADHD and seeing the world, or hearing it

I was told few weeks ago that I'm different person in a group situation than I am with three or less people. I hadn't thought about it before but I realised it's true. When I'm in a big group especially in a pub or other public venue, I am really quiet. I usually end up listening more than talking and I leave early. Here is part of the reason; when there are lots of people there is lots of stimuli. Several conversations, music on the background, other people walking about, noises of life. For someone who has ADHD it can be really difficult. It's like being in a dance club with everyone shoving you, loud music, flashing lights. Or in a room with dozens of tvs with sounds really loud. Or in a room full of people where people around you shout your name.
It's really difficult to focus on one conversation when words and topics from others are taking away my focus. I actually love dance clubs because I can focus better there. I can just let go and go with the music.
Anyway. Big social situations. Yeah I usually end up leaving early, because trying to focus on one thing and not everything can give a wicked headache. And even if I don't have a headache, I feel like my brain is malfunctioning. Well it is, but I can't really think anymore and it's overloading. It's bit better with medication though. But even those can't work miracles..

There is another reason why I don't talk in big situations. I have hard time getting word in. I can't talk on top of someone else, I just can't. I respect people too much to talk over them, especially when I can't get a word in. I don't want others to feel the same way. What they say matters! Smaller groups I can talk people's ear off. I can talk bit about everything. I still wish I could talk in a big group but I don't know if it's ever possible.

Looks and Insecurities

I was out with friends today. It was nice and relaxing evening with newer and older acquaintances. At some point one of my older friends and I were talking about videoing myself for a blog and reasons why I don't want to do it. I had this idea of doing a video of myself and add it to my account and  add a link to LinkedIn to show I can speak English fluently and show who I am. The idea sort of fell apart, when I tried to do it. I can't look at myself on video. I absolutely hate my teeth. I've been picked on about them as a kid and they aren't all that pretty to me. Most people don't notice them until I mention something about them. They aren't horribly coloured or anything, but I was born without two front teeth. I have huge gaps between my upper teeth and I hate them. I've been trying to collect money for them for years but it's really expensive to correct them especially since I will need another pair of teeth put in, either bridges or implants. That is a reason why there are no pictures of me smiling mouth open or videos. I told her all of this and she was so surprised when she found out that someone "so outgoing and attractive can have big issues about her looks" direct quote from her. It was just something that struck me as something meaningful. Even if someone is really outgoing, likes to meet people and laugh and be happy, it doesn't mean that someone is completely fine about their looks. It just means they can forget it or go past it. This problem of mine hasn't stopped me from acting on stage, going out with friends, making new friends and smiling. I tend to smile a lot and I laugh easy! I couldn't stop that even if I tried. Of course I can be serious when need be but my default is at happy and smiley.

I guess my ADHD or general attitude comes handy in this one. I can't stay focused something like this, a mental worry, for too long. It's not something I see too often, unless I look into a mirror and it's inside my head. When something else comes along, I forget it. I forget it even when I look into the mirror because I rarely go and check my teeth when I pass one. I usually check my hair and clothes. I can't get anything stuck in my teeth without feeling it! The gaps are too big. When I go out, I don't think about how I look like teeth and clothes. I just am there. I am with the people, what they are saying and enjoy the moment! Life is too short to worry all the time. It takes too much energy and time. There are more important things to spend that time, such as the moments happening right now, the people around you and life!

Sidenote: reason why I haven't done anything about my teeth is that I'm trying to save money for it, it's ridiculously expensive!!