Facebook and ADHD

I'm sure a lot of my friends have notices, I tend to post often, usually several times a day. I think this is part ADHD and part my psychology. I'll take the last bit first. For a long time, I felt like I have no voice, that no one listens to me. I've always felt a bit invisible, at home or in school. I've been ignored for so many years. So now that I have facebook, I want to be heard. Always when I post, one part of me hopes people will read it and at the same time notice me. I always feel so fantastic, when people like or comment. It means they noticed what I have to say. I really am a somebody.

The ADHD part is pretty simple. Part of having ADHD is poorer control on our emotions. If we have 10 different emotions a day, it's pretty boring day. So that also causes us to easily respond with emotions. And Facebook posts often have some form of emotional influence. I often post something when I'm happy, hyperactive or excited.

I've been in lots of ADHD support groups and I can say, that those are VERY active. I can't keep up with the posts. Even in a group where there are only handful of people, it's pretty common to get five posts per day and the talking in them is very active. And one post can easily have couple hundred comments. They usually start at the topic, go round the world couple of times and sometimes ends in the original topic. Our slogan "ADHD, highway to, hey look a squirrel!" is very accurate! We get distracted on a drop of a hat!

I'm doing bit of a squirrel thing now. I also want to change my facebook picture pretty often. I tend to curb that impulse, but I do update it every couple of months, or if I get a cool new pic. 

Another add. I always try to read the whole newsfeed. It's important to me to know what and how my friends are doing, but I also want them to know, I read them. There was someone who took the time to read your post and noticed it.

Perception vs Reality

I've gotten some comments in the past month. Three of those stuck to my head: I'm strong, calm and I've got stable and healthy mind. I've got to say that I don't own any of those things! But it's how people see me. People see me as strong, because I have to keep going no matter what. They don't see me crying in bed for hours because I just don't want to face the day. It hasn't happened often to me, maybe twice in the past two years. But I do have days like that. People just see me keeping my head high and pushing forward. They don't know that I don't have the option of being weak. I haven't had people to ask for help in my life. I've had to learn how to survive through shit on my own. I've started learning on how to lean on other people now, on how to ask for help. It's still not easy.

I've lived through too much. I haven't had easy childhood. Teenage was pure hell. On top of normal stuff, I was physically very sick and I had ADHD. I guess my tolerance for shit has gotten pretty high after all of that. I've had to survive all of it. Not just learn how to cope with it all, but survive and thrive. I've got a lot of scars. I have lots of problems still, I've got four phobias and several fears, including fear of abandonment. I'm terrified of being forgotten and replaced. It keeps happening in my life over and over again. I'm an awesome person. I'm warm, open hearted and minded, I care fully about others, I don't judge anyone, I'm really good friend, I'm one of the most loyal people in the world, I always look for the good and I'm pretty and intelligent. But I'm not loud and beautiful. I'm not remarkable at anything. I'm average. It's very easy to overlook me.

Few days ago my coworkers told they were surprised to learn I've got ADHD. They said I was too calm for that. They have some experience in ADHD. I think all of my coworkers have basic training on learning disabilities. People who know me a bit see how I'm really not. I tend to jump in my place when I've got to wait for something and should be still. I run around for no reason sometimes. I like walking instead when I could just call. Once at my work place, I ran the stairs up and down three times just because. My coworker was a bit taken aback by that.

Here is a song that's been stuck in my head for a while. It's beautiful, the lyrics, the melody and music video. I just wanted to share, if anyone is reading this. Snow Patrol - In the End