Ponderings from Last Entry

I'm coming back to this after few days. It's still making me wonderwhy pretty and beautiful women shouldn't feel insecure about their looks. They are same as other women. I'd like to point that I don't count myself to be beautiful. Pretty yes, beautiful no. I know there are very few women who completely accept their looks to be perfect or beautiful. Basically everyone are aware of their "faults" but it's more about not getting stuck on them and not letting them stop from living your life.

And one thing I have never understood: why would the rest of the world think you are beautiful when you think you are? I know it's about self-confidence but beyond confidence issue I don't get it. But beauty itself. There is the saying beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Kauneus on katsojan silmässä, in Finnish. I'm sure there are similar saying in other languages. So what does it matter if I think myself pretty? It won't affect the other person's views on what is pretty and what isn't. And I am deliberately leaving out confidence issue from this. It doesn't affect the physical factor. I am the type that knows if I am attracted to someone at the first glance. If I'm not, then attraction will never be there. I seem to be pretty rare woman in this matter. Almost everyone I talk to feel it later, when they get to know the other person. For me it goes like this, I first see them and that determines what are the possible futures of the relationship between us, friends or dating. If I'm attracted to them, the mental part comes later and I get deeper feelings for them. I get lots of crap from this. I've been told I'm shallow, don't give people a chance, and even stupid. But for me it's like telling me it's stupid that I'm built the way I am. I can't help it! I just can't feel the attraction later on. It's not my fault. It's the way I am and if it's not good enough for "you" then it's not my problem. I have no problems being friends with guys I don't find attractive. I feel I'm giving them more of a chance being in my life because if I'm attracted to someone, it in itself doesn't mean much. It doesn't say if we're good together, if we're compatible, or if we'll have fun together! It just means I'm attracted to someone and if they asked me on a date, I'll say yes and get to know them better on a personal level. But if it happens that we're not good together, we go our separate ways!

This whole wondering comes from getting as many dates as when I though I looked horrible and now that I've come to terms with myself and taking the best of the deal. I've learned to dress myself to suit my bodytype, I've gotten better physical shape which makes me feel better and seeing the results makes me feel I*ve accomplished something. I'm not saying that people need to be in good shape, but for myself I mean that I've got three medical conditions that are under my control when I'm at the ideal weight. And when those conditions are under my control, I am medically in better shape. Hypothyroidism can cause depression or depression like symptoms. Blood sugars are under control with good physical shape with me. Same with PCOS. I used to weight alot more. I've lost almost 25 kilos. Even though that brought a big change in me, it hasn't changed my life too much. Biggest change is that I'm more myself, as before I was too tired and shy, I've come out of my shell. Weight loss haven't changed my life in some ways. I'm still as lonely as I was back then. It takes long time for me to make friends. I still can't get a boyfriend even though I've got outgoing personality, I'm happy and I am confident. I've got problems with studying and staying focused. There are parts of me that will never go away, because they are deeper and not cosmetic..
I know someone won't comment but will think about the boyfriend issue and the problem isn't that I need a boyfriend to be happy. I already am. It's just a part of my life that's missing. A partnership. Having someone who is important to me and to whom I am important. And someone who can give lots of kisses and cuddles. There is never too much of those!

Looks and Insecurities

I was out with friends today. It was nice and relaxing evening with newer and older acquaintances. At some point one of my older friends and I were talking about videoing myself for a blog and reasons why I don't want to do it. I had this idea of doing a video of myself and add it to my account and  add a link to LinkedIn to show I can speak English fluently and show who I am. The idea sort of fell apart, when I tried to do it. I can't look at myself on video. I absolutely hate my teeth. I've been picked on about them as a kid and they aren't all that pretty to me. Most people don't notice them until I mention something about them. They aren't horribly coloured or anything, but I was born without two front teeth. I have huge gaps between my upper teeth and I hate them. I've been trying to collect money for them for years but it's really expensive to correct them especially since I will need another pair of teeth put in, either bridges or implants. That is a reason why there are no pictures of me smiling mouth open or videos. I told her all of this and she was so surprised when she found out that someone "so outgoing and attractive can have big issues about her looks" direct quote from her. It was just something that struck me as something meaningful. Even if someone is really outgoing, likes to meet people and laugh and be happy, it doesn't mean that someone is completely fine about their looks. It just means they can forget it or go past it. This problem of mine hasn't stopped me from acting on stage, going out with friends, making new friends and smiling. I tend to smile a lot and I laugh easy! I couldn't stop that even if I tried. Of course I can be serious when need be but my default is at happy and smiley.

I guess my ADHD or general attitude comes handy in this one. I can't stay focused something like this, a mental worry, for too long. It's not something I see too often, unless I look into a mirror and it's inside my head. When something else comes along, I forget it. I forget it even when I look into the mirror because I rarely go and check my teeth when I pass one. I usually check my hair and clothes. I can't get anything stuck in my teeth without feeling it! The gaps are too big. When I go out, I don't think about how I look like teeth and clothes. I just am there. I am with the people, what they are saying and enjoy the moment! Life is too short to worry all the time. It takes too much energy and time. There are more important things to spend that time, such as the moments happening right now, the people around you and life!

Sidenote: reason why I haven't done anything about my teeth is that I'm trying to save money for it, it's ridiculously expensive!!