Life Continues

Sometimes I wish time would stop so I could catch my breath. Getting diagnosed with something new is terrifying process. I don't know if the process being so slow for me is a good or a bad thing. I have more time to research what I might have. Research is one of my coping mechanism. The more I know, the less terrifying this new boogie man is. I have learnt to trust my process. This is not my first rodeo. Being diagnosed with three autoimmune diseases, ADHD and so much more, I know what to expect.

First part is the fear and never ending questions. What is this thing? Will it kill me? Will it affect my quality of life? How will it affect my life? What is the treatment?
At this point, my head will be full of fear, anxiety, anger, and questions. Taking control of the situation is only thing that helps me. First step is to figure out what questions I have. Then looking into what are the answers. I trust myself with google. I know where not to go, and initially to stay away from threads of people's experiences. Peer support is important, but it's not the first step for me. I can spent hours reading about what is happening in my body with this new condition.

After I have figured out what is going on, the despair and anger kicks in. Why me? What have I done to deserve all this? Easy answer, nothing. I was just very unlucky. I was born with genetics that hate me. Anger is part of acceptance. Anger is an emotion, and it has it's purpose. I try to figure out the reason, feel it and use it in a productive way. When you deal with it in a healthy manner, it will go away. If you dwell in it, it will take more energy than it gives.

At the moment, I seem to have hit apathy with my process. I am not officially diagnosed, so I cannot accept I have a new condition, but I am at the mercy of doctors and them doing another round of blood and other tests. I have no control over what is going on, so I just have to try to keep myself busy and not think too much until I have reason to. It's not easy. I have set up a new business. I crochet and try  to sell them. The fear of failure is very good distraction. I am trying to figure out all the ways I can market my shop. I will never make too much money out of my business, but few quid here and there would help. I work part time due to being so tired, so this helps. It keeps my mind active even when my body feels tired. It doesn't take too much effort, and it feels nice to create something pretty.

Breaking expectations

I love breaking people's expectations about me. I know I can look a certain way. If I'm working, I look quite professional. I work in a relaxed place, so I look bit too secretary at times. On my free time, I tend to look bit like a vampire queen. One of my exes actually didn't know I dressed that way normally, and got bit of a surprise. When we dated, I wore pretty normal clothes because of weather and he saw me in my natural look after we had broken up. That was fun!

People often assume I'm goth. I'm not. I think vampire is more accurate. I wear often black clothes. I like the colour and I tend to prefer bit unusual cuts as well. I do wear purple as well. Some people expect me to be all angsty and moody because I wear unusual black clothes, and then they get happy, easily excited and hyperactive me! Also black looks good on me!

And I also tend to favour very feminine style. If at all possible, I will wear a skirt! And tops to fit womanly curves. I look pretty feminine. Today I managed to shock people by telling I can fix a bike tire. Seriously. I can even change car tire if I have all the equipment. It's not like it's that hard! And then I turn on my music. I don't really know how this surprises people, because of the goth look, but I listen to heavy music. Right now Disturbed is my choice, especially in the mornings, and other times I listen to bands like Sonata Arctica. Especially at work, people get really shocked when it's my turn to choose music...

And it's fun when people realise I'm a big nerd! I definetly don't look like one. I play board games, watch scifi movies and tv-shows, larp, rpg. Only thing I don't know much is comics and that's from lack of opportunity.

Another day

I have managed to do something today. I haven't drawn much anything in about a year. I was sending a pic of a rose to my mom since it's mother's day here. I can't afford much so I though it would be nice. Then I was looking at the picture and I thought I really want to draw one. Roses can be a bit tricky. They have a certain structure. I love drawing but I also hate it since it is one of the very few things that I end up loosing my temper over. I can't get it right! It just fustrates me since I don't know how to get it right and sometimes what is wrong with it. Then getting this done. I am really proud! I could've spend a bit more time with the shading, or more accurately the light parts, soften them a bit but it's really good! I realised at some point that it is bit easier to focuse on drawing that it has been before. I've been taking Concerta regularly again so it might help quite a bit.

One of the things I've also noticed is that I feel alone easier than normally. I think it's because wihtout the meds, I do alot, I don't concentrate much on anything and my brain keeps jumping ALOT! So now my brain is able to focus and slow down, it's bit more pronounced. I*m not afraid to admit, that I feel lonely. I feel it pretty quickly. Just a few hours and I want some company. I'm a bit too much of a people person.