Work

I've been working this month. I got summer job as a cleaner and it's been going well. I mean I'm exhausted by the end of the day but no other problems. It's nice to do something I know how to do. I don't want to do this for the rest of my life since I don't think my body could take this even one year. There are two things I like about this: I don't do it alone and the people there are fantastic! I was cleaning the windows yesterday and five people stopped to say what a lovely job I was doing. That is fantastic! I've very rarely gotten any feedback from my work and to get it just like that feel amazing. I'm not generalising but according to my experience, people don't really thing about how clean it is and comment on it, but if there is something dirty, there is someone pretty quickly commenting on that. And I like doing things like these with someone since I can ask questions and I like having company when I'm doing physican labour. If I was doing something, that really needed my brain, I would prefer to work on my own.

The thing about knowing what to do, is that on the first day I could just start doing. I didn't need to wait for instruction. And I can do things before asked, expect what's going to happen, like getting something we'll need before we need it and filling the cart. I'm not a fan of waiting. I prefer to do things. So I tend to take initiative when I don't have something to do for a while.

Weird Experience

I've got three exams in three weeks and I'm busy studing now especially with the play being over. I've been reading today and my goal is to read at least 50 pages. Now I've been reading about hour and a half and I've read 30 pages with notes! With no difficulties! I have only twice gotten sidetracked and had to get up twice to stretch. This is very weird!! Normally I can ready very little at a time, few pages, and go back a lot to reread something, I do alot of other stuff in between. I love Concerta! I can remember alot easier the stuff I've read and I can make pretty coherent notes as well. And I don't get confused as much, going between book and notes. I can even remember where I was reading when I do back to the book. I know alot of people think this normal but not me. To me studying is really hard. It takes about twice much work for me than someone neurologically normal. Reason why I am so behind on my studies... I'm actually starting to like studying. I've even managed to contact teacher my email about course work and not think about it for days: I should do this. I'm bit excited to see how this studying will pay off, will I get normal grades, will the exam be the same hell as usually or not. Bit worried about reading 5 books and alots of online material for these. Will my brain explode before this is over... The exam I*m reading right now is about racism and it is fascinating. I can't understand it so I'm drawn to it from the unknown perspective. It's shaped societies since who knows how long. I'm minoring in Sociology.

Senses

There is this thing called Sensory Processing Disorder. I guess it's most common with autism BUT IT DOES APPEAR WITH OTHER BRAIN RELATED ISSUES!! Such as AD(H)D, dyslexia or other learning disabilities. Everytime I meantion it, people start asking about autism. I know something about it but as far as I'm aware, I don't have it. All the test I've taken seem to say I don't have it, I don't have any problems with people. Well some but it's lack of experience in those situations. I am quick to read situations and people and to my knowledge accurately. Just because one group is more likely to have it, it doesn't mean other's won't.

But what is SPD. For me it's not being able to wear certain materials since they scratch or itch like hell. Seriously I think lace should be banned! and wool! I have oversensetive touch but I think only slightly anymore. It used to be alot worse.
Hearing? Yeah, I don't like sopranos or violin because of the pitch. The high notes hurt my ears. I don't like loud sounds. I get scared of sudden, not loud sounds pretty often. I hate my phone! All the sounds are so irritading. Anyway before I get sidetracked again.. Certain sounds literally hurt my ear. I loose concentration easily when there is a sound. Even music! I would like to say before someone gets offended that I think violin and soprano music is beautiful, it just hurts. I was once able to hear a leaking pipe and saved my parents some pretty big bills with that. It's not all bad. But it does mean, if there are multiple sound sources, I get easily confused. It's really difficult to concentrate on normal day let alone in a place where there are 20+ people plus music and other sounds.  I do like dance clubs though. Music calms it down a bit. Which is why I use mp3 player outside. It helps with hearing sensetivity. But I love music in general. I love the harmony if different instruments and patterns. Cello is the most beautiful sounding instrument in the whole wide world.

Three to go. So next smell. Yeah.. I'm one of those who start feeling really nauseaus really quickly with smells. It takes a while to get over. I don't mind well matched perfume on someone as long as it's approriate amount. Not half the bottle! I like to have some scents on my home. I've got some incence sticks and candles. If it's mild, it's not a problem. Some combinations feel horrible though. The point is that not everyone are at the extreme end of this. Some can't handle any scents and some can't smell at all, but most people are somewhere in between towards one end. I like certain smells alot. Lilacs. I can't imagine not being able to smell them like I do.

Sight.. Yeah that's one of my worsts.. I can't go out without sunglasses even if it's not sunny outside. Bright lights hurt my eyes and I get headaches from this. Nothing too bad but it'll be annoying me for the rest of the day. Even being in the dark doesn't help. It'll leave on it's own at some point. Have to say with my sun allergy and light sensetivity, I do feel like a half vampire sometimes. That's one of the positives from this particular trait. One is that I can see colours really well, tell the difference. It's good with photography and drawing. and notice differences.

Last one, taste. That's the worst one for me. I have to be really careful what I put in my mouth. Most normal tasting foods are too much for me. I can't imagine drinking coffee black. The ratio with coffee and milk is about half and half. I hate tasting new foods. I've gotten physically sick from strong tastes or feeling of food. There are certain types of food I can't stand. They make me nauseaus. Like mashed anything. Or blended foods. Soups I can eat but don't like to eat. I like solid food. Weirdly I do like citrus alot! I can't eat things like candy since they are too sweet for me but lemons I can. I could take a bite of lemon if I wanted to. And taking a bite of chocolate is as close to heaven as I can think of. Milk chocolate though. It's unhealhtier but it tastes so good!

There are three points to this post I wanted to make. What Sensory Processing Disorder is, how it affects me and that it's like life, it's got it's good and bad points.

side-effects

Ok lets try again!! I can't work the blogger with too much grace since I don't know how to undo the weird colour behind the text

So side-effects of Concerta. It doesn't work well with anxiety. I had to stop taking it for two days before the opening night of the play, since I was too nervous. Then started it again with hope I wouldn't get the starting side-effects. Which are panic attacks. They come out of nowhere and go away about as quickly as they come. I just had three panic attacks in one hour and then just stopped. Although green tea might have had something to do with it. I don't want caffeine with the drug since they have similar effects on the body. I was just standing in the queu for cashier's and it just started. I wasn't doing anything to trigger it and I was just listening to music on my mp3 player. ADHD kicking in again, I wrote mp5 player.. I wonder what that would be, you can't really play mp5... Anyway back to where I was. I knew what it was so I just waited for my turn and kept coughing. I don't know why but it's what I always do when I get panic attack. By the time I got all my stuff in my bag it was all over! well the first one was over.. When I got back home, I got two more. Then nothing. I feel a bit tired after all those but mentally ok. I know what causes them so they aren't that scary. It's a bit scary when they come out of nowhere. But knowing what they are helps! and remembering to breath and not get more anxious!
 Tomorrow will be complitely different thank goodness!! Only worry tomorrow is that I remember all my lines and don't lose my voice overnight. I can barely talk after yesterday. I have to yell in the play and with a cold... Good thing is that Concerta really helping with acting. I can focus more on being on the stage. It's easier to remember lines, where to be, how I am related to audience, what I'm doing, what to feel. On a normal day, it's really exhausting for me. Too much going on. And with all that trying to keep focused on the right things and not get distracted by others. AND we're doing comedy so the stuff other's do is HILARIOUS!! I have to keep poker face through the whole thing and it's so much easier with this!! I'm not saying it's a miracle worker but for right people it makes life more.. I don't want to say easier but more  manageable maybe? Life isn't easy but it doesn't need to be too difficult. If there are things to make it more manageable, I'm all for it!!

Another day

I have managed to do something today. I haven't drawn much anything in about a year. I was sending a pic of a rose to my mom since it's mother's day here. I can't afford much so I though it would be nice. Then I was looking at the picture and I thought I really want to draw one. Roses can be a bit tricky. They have a certain structure. I love drawing but I also hate it since it is one of the very few things that I end up loosing my temper over. I can't get it right! It just fustrates me since I don't know how to get it right and sometimes what is wrong with it. Then getting this done. I am really proud! I could've spend a bit more time with the shading, or more accurately the light parts, soften them a bit but it's really good! I realised at some point that it is bit easier to focuse on drawing that it has been before. I've been taking Concerta regularly again so it might help quite a bit.

One of the things I've also noticed is that I feel alone easier than normally. I think it's because wihtout the meds, I do alot, I don't concentrate much on anything and my brain keeps jumping ALOT! So now my brain is able to focus and slow down, it's bit more pronounced. I*m not afraid to admit, that I feel lonely. I feel it pretty quickly. Just a few hours and I want some company. I'm a bit too much of a people person.

I'M ALIVE!!

Yeah, it's been a while. I was in a surgery about two months ago and I haven't been able to write. Well, I was able physically but not mentally. My ADHD got even worse with the recuperation. It was a big surgery and I still don't feel normal. I haven't felt well enough even to take my ADHD meds. And my concentration has gone from bad to worse. And of course this all happened at the same time as several entrance exams to universities and normal exams from my current major.. I have started to feel the "normal" hyperactivity. My muscles keep itching all the time. Not as bad as it used to be but getting there. I've gained weight without it. Usually I have to keep moving alot during the day to keep it away but now not so much. I've felt strong enough to start excercising for fun. After the surgery all my other health issues, like Diabetes t1 and hypothyroidism been strange as well. Now they have started to settle as well. But the weird thing was that I couldn't take Concerta. I would stay up all night if I did. And I took it at a normal time as before but it worked really weird. I didn't understand it at first but after the second sleepless night, I took the hint. I took 2 pills on the second week after surgery and it did work really well. Small dose felt like I*d taken 3 pills once.. Gotta listen to the body! It will tell you what is right. It's been telling me to eat healtier as well. I've been craving mandarins which is weird. Good but still weird.

Anyway, I just wanted to write to tell I*m still alive. Watching Captain America, first Avenger, with a very furry friend. Who is shedding.. Just reminds me that if I ever get a dog of my own, I need to get one with black hair! almost all my clothes are black and with white/gold hair, it stands out! But animal therapy works! I feel lessed stressed even though I've got too many lines to remember and exams coming up!

Oh yeah, I have a complaint! 3D and high speed cameras! They do not combine well!! I don't get travel sickness easy, UNLESS it's 3D movie! I just saw Winter Solder in theatres and the hollywood scenes (fight and/or explotions) don't work well in the high speed camera. They shoot more frames in a minute than normal and it just looks very messy! I couldn't really figure out which was whose hand and what was going some of the time because the screen was just so messy! I'm good now, I've been waiting to say that for a week now!

Me again

I've been keeping few days off since my life is so boring and I couldn't think of anything to write about. But yesterday I took a day off from Concerta. And wow did I notice difference!! I couldn't concertrade much on anything, I couldn't wake up like normally. I mean the type you do when you are already risen up from bed but you keep walking around like a zombie. And I couldn't fall asleep as easily as I have before. I got no school work done, couldn't really clean up either. My sense of time was so messed up. I went to computer, started doing stuff, looking at homework assigments, went to facebook and before I realised, I'd lost 2 hours!! That stopped happening with the meds. I could keep aware of the time so much better!! Well I can since I took them today normally. It's so weird! They are definetly doing something to me. I even forgot to take my insulin yesterday! The weirdest thign is to me that now on my meds, I can go do stuff and then come back to what I was doing before!! I can even go back on a sentence, put a comma and then go back writing without loosing my thought! Is this how normal people feel?? I have to say I like it. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to be normal! But doing things with this easiness.. I could get used to this! I never really realised how much more difficult ADHD makes life. This med is supposed to even out my brain to more normal level of brain function. ADHD is caused by low level brain activity in certain areas of the brain. It somewhat differs with different ADHD people. That's why the symptoms vary so much! I mean there are 2 types of it, Attention Deficit (and Hyperactivity) Disorder. The hyperactivity is in brackets since not every one has it, and then it's ADD. I'm hyper enought to power up a city if I was put on one of those huge wheel systems like with small animals for exercise!!

And I do notice my logic and thoughts are still a bit jumbled. I keep jumping from one thing to another. Not sure if that'll stick or will it dissapear with bigger dose. I like it! Althought doing essay it's not the best thing. But I have also noticed that when I do learning diary for a course, I can get original thoughts so much easier. I think I wrote about it before.. I think I should stop before I start repeating myself too much.

Bit pissed off about ignorance

I am on a rant today.. One of the main channels in Finland, for news and other tv-programs, had an article about how to avoid diabetes. Well I read it.. Drink lots of coffee. Yeah I'm sure that'll stop diabetes.. I'm sure I could have stopped mine!! Is it so hard to type in TYPE TWO DIABETES! There are so many types of diabetes. Type one: autoimmune disease. Usually happens with children although it's not resticted by age. Oldest woman to get it was 94. In it the own immune system kills off the cells making insulin. So someone with type one has to inject insulin or have a insulin pump. There is no miracle diet so you could not take insulin. There is no option to taking insulin. I've had to instances where I've been asked questions about this. First one was, how much weight have you lost. NO it's not a polite question. And the answer was none. Weight loss doesn't help! well in the sense that it helps with the amount of insulin you've gotta take and blood sugar levels but IT IS NOT A CURE!! other one was that the person did not believe I was on merely insulin. He seemed to think it's impossible. You have diabetes you have to have some form of pills for it. NO THERE ARE NO PILLS FOR TYPE ONE DIABETES!! That's for type 2. Type 2 is the one where you can diet to help your condition. There are pills to help the insulin resistance. You can have extra insulin BUT IN MOST CASES YOU BODY IS STILL ABLE TO PRODUCE INSULIN! Just for some reason it's not making enough, it's not using it right or something is interfering with these processes. And there is gestational diabetes as well but that one ends as soon as the baby is born. And men you don't need to worry about this.

but my message for today

TYPE ONE DIABETES IS REAL, WE NEED INSULIN FROM A OUTSIDE SOURCE TO SURVIVE!! IT'S AUTOIMMUNE DISEASE AND YOU LIVE WITH IT UNTILL YOU DIE! THERE ARE MORE THAN TYPE TWO DIABETES OUT THERE!!!!!!!

I've read some people saying that getting ADHD drugs lessens their creativity. It is one of the positive symptoms of ADHD. Gotta say not happened here. I've written more now with the meds than without. I finished some homework 5 DAYS BEFORE IT WAS DUE! And I got alot done yesterday. Washed some clothes, cleaned my appartment a bit. It's not particularly clean now but in the right direction. I was writing 3 assigments. Read couple of article needed for them. Got some original ideas for all assigments. I even watched 2 movies! The strangest thing is that I can listen to music while doing all of this. Normally I need absolute silence while I read and write. I've got to try writing my story like this.

I've got to say that this is step in the right direction, but I'm still hoping for more. School is still really difficult. It's a bit easier. I can focuse a bit better on what teacher is saying and I can keep thoughts longer in my head. At least long enough to write them down. I get more ideas during lessons. That one was weird. Usually I can't do that since all my energy is going into listening and writing and I keep getting confused with everything going around. Now I could write important points, listen and write at the same time and contribute on the notes. And I think cooking is a bit easier. I can hold thoughts in my head longer definetly. Normally I have to focus on one thing at the time. If I didn't, I'd forget it instantly. I couldn't even think about washing the pot while I had the meat heating up and have music on the background.

All this normality is so weird! Not bad weird. Everything is a bit easier now. I have more energy to focus on other stuff. I can listen to music which I love! Before I could only listen to every once in a while when it didn't interfere with what I was doing. I'm listening to Coldplay right now! And I have not written any lyrics into the text yet! I think..

On a more negative note, I've had more headaches with the meds. I've been having tension headaches for years and now this is making it slightly worse. And I keep drinking ALOT! I want a bigger water bottle for school so I don't need to go fill it during lessons! And I'm still always hungry! 

I am just so glad this hasn't taken away any of the features I love about ADHD. I am still the same lunatic I was before! well not lunatic. Eccentric. Weird. Ok maybe a bit lunatic. But in a good way! I am still the same spontanious, in the moment me I have always been!

More experiences with new meds

I've noticed one thing this past week. I can remember more of my dreams. And I can remember them longer. I can still remember dreams I had earlier this week. Normally I forget them really quickly. Last night I had a dream about been taken as a hostage because some guy needed me for something and wanted to add me into his harem. Half the night I was plotting and planning like I was in some action movie. I really wished I hadn't woken up when I did because now I don't know how I got out.
Most nights I've been having dreams about my theatre group. Understandably since we've still got 2 performances and we've been working really tight lately. And I've had some that are not quite nightmares but almost but they haven't left that anxious feeling when I wake up. I usually get that pretty easily. And I've been more aware that they are dreams and not real. It has some drawbacks. When dreaming about snogging some famous actor, it sucks to know it's a dream...

I have noticed I've accomplished more than normal. And earlier. Usually I get school work done in the evenings when my brain works better. Now I've done alot by 5pm. Downside is that I get tired faster. I fall asleep pretty fast but the rest of the evening is bit of a blur and I can't do anything. I can't even concentrade watching a movie. Today I'm trying taking another pill at later time, hopefully that'll even out it a bit. And hopefully I won't get serious side-effects. I always worry about those. I tend not to get them except with astma meds. Hopefully I get to go out and socialise today. I've been stuck inside doing homework for the last two days, I NEED PEOPLE!!