Ponderings from Last Entry

I'm coming back to this after few days. It's still making me wonderwhy pretty and beautiful women shouldn't feel insecure about their looks. They are same as other women. I'd like to point that I don't count myself to be beautiful. Pretty yes, beautiful no. I know there are very few women who completely accept their looks to be perfect or beautiful. Basically everyone are aware of their "faults" but it's more about not getting stuck on them and not letting them stop from living your life.

And one thing I have never understood: why would the rest of the world think you are beautiful when you think you are? I know it's about self-confidence but beyond confidence issue I don't get it. But beauty itself. There is the saying beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Kauneus on katsojan silmässä, in Finnish. I'm sure there are similar saying in other languages. So what does it matter if I think myself pretty? It won't affect the other person's views on what is pretty and what isn't. And I am deliberately leaving out confidence issue from this. It doesn't affect the physical factor. I am the type that knows if I am attracted to someone at the first glance. If I'm not, then attraction will never be there. I seem to be pretty rare woman in this matter. Almost everyone I talk to feel it later, when they get to know the other person. For me it goes like this, I first see them and that determines what are the possible futures of the relationship between us, friends or dating. If I'm attracted to them, the mental part comes later and I get deeper feelings for them. I get lots of crap from this. I've been told I'm shallow, don't give people a chance, and even stupid. But for me it's like telling me it's stupid that I'm built the way I am. I can't help it! I just can't feel the attraction later on. It's not my fault. It's the way I am and if it's not good enough for "you" then it's not my problem. I have no problems being friends with guys I don't find attractive. I feel I'm giving them more of a chance being in my life because if I'm attracted to someone, it in itself doesn't mean much. It doesn't say if we're good together, if we're compatible, or if we'll have fun together! It just means I'm attracted to someone and if they asked me on a date, I'll say yes and get to know them better on a personal level. But if it happens that we're not good together, we go our separate ways!

This whole wondering comes from getting as many dates as when I though I looked horrible and now that I've come to terms with myself and taking the best of the deal. I've learned to dress myself to suit my bodytype, I've gotten better physical shape which makes me feel better and seeing the results makes me feel I*ve accomplished something. I'm not saying that people need to be in good shape, but for myself I mean that I've got three medical conditions that are under my control when I'm at the ideal weight. And when those conditions are under my control, I am medically in better shape. Hypothyroidism can cause depression or depression like symptoms. Blood sugars are under control with good physical shape with me. Same with PCOS. I used to weight alot more. I've lost almost 25 kilos. Even though that brought a big change in me, it hasn't changed my life too much. Biggest change is that I'm more myself, as before I was too tired and shy, I've come out of my shell. Weight loss haven't changed my life in some ways. I'm still as lonely as I was back then. It takes long time for me to make friends. I still can't get a boyfriend even though I've got outgoing personality, I'm happy and I am confident. I've got problems with studying and staying focused. There are parts of me that will never go away, because they are deeper and not cosmetic..
I know someone won't comment but will think about the boyfriend issue and the problem isn't that I need a boyfriend to be happy. I already am. It's just a part of my life that's missing. A partnership. Having someone who is important to me and to whom I am important. And someone who can give lots of kisses and cuddles. There is never too much of those!