Sometimes I wish time would stop so I could catch my breath. Getting diagnosed with something new is terrifying process. I don't know if the process being so slow for me is a good or a bad thing. I have more time to research what I might have. Research is one of my coping mechanism. The more I know, the less terrifying this new boogie man is. I have learnt to trust my process. This is not my first rodeo. Being diagnosed with three autoimmune diseases, ADHD and so much more, I know what to expect.
First part is the fear and never ending questions. What is this thing? Will it kill me? Will it affect my quality of life? How will it affect my life? What is the treatment?
At this point, my head will be full of fear, anxiety, anger, and questions. Taking control of the situation is only thing that helps me. First step is to figure out what questions I have. Then looking into what are the answers. I trust myself with google. I know where not to go, and initially to stay away from threads of people's experiences. Peer support is important, but it's not the first step for me. I can spent hours reading about what is happening in my body with this new condition.
After I have figured out what is going on, the despair and anger kicks in. Why me? What have I done to deserve all this? Easy answer, nothing. I was just very unlucky. I was born with genetics that hate me. Anger is part of acceptance. Anger is an emotion, and it has it's purpose. I try to figure out the reason, feel it and use it in a productive way. When you deal with it in a healthy manner, it will go away. If you dwell in it, it will take more energy than it gives.
At the moment, I seem to have hit apathy with my process. I am not officially diagnosed, so I cannot accept I have a new condition, but I am at the mercy of doctors and them doing another round of blood and other tests. I have no control over what is going on, so I just have to try to keep myself busy and not think too much until I have reason to. It's not easy. I have set up a new business. I crochet and try to sell them. The fear of failure is very good distraction. I am trying to figure out all the ways I can market my shop. I will never make too much money out of my business, but few quid here and there would help. I work part time due to being so tired, so this helps. It keeps my mind active even when my body feels tired. It doesn't take too much effort, and it feels nice to create something pretty.
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